Friday, July 8, 2016

Final RE Appointment!

At the beginning of June, we had our last appointment with Dr. G. We have spent the greater part of the past 3 years at this clinic. There were many times when we thought we'd never "graduate". There were even more moments when I allowed the deep, dark depths of infertility to swallow me. Guess what infertility?? You LOSE. I've given you over 5 years of my life. My marriage has been tested. I've lost friendships. I've missed out on special moments in the lives of those I love. My emotional stability was non-existent at times. These are my scars though, and although I hate the pain infertility has inflicted on us, I am somehow stronger because of it. Each and every time I see our little miracle twisting and turning on the ultrasound screen, all I feel is love <3.

We are so blessed and cannot wait to hold our precious girl in December!!!

Saturday, June 25, 2016

May 2016

Sorry for slacking in getting things up to date...

May. May was a bit rocky. On May 3rd, I got a text from our GC saying she was heading to the doctor because of severe cramping and heavy bleeding. My heart sank. Things up to this point had been smooth and I was completely blindsided. I had been on cloud 9 and although I knew that things would not necessarily be perfect, the positivity instantly left. I was convinced she was miscarrying. Waiting for her to see the nurse was the absolute worst wait (Dr. G was out of the office). I ended up having a massive meltdown and had to leave work. As soon as I got home she let me know the nurse was able to locate the gestational sac. Her cramping was still intense, so they put her on an anti-inflammatory and told her to continue all meds. We originally had an appointment scheduled for May 5th so some of my uneasiness was pushed aside knowing we would be going back so soon. That feeling of complete helplessness was causing me to have serious anxiety. The fact that my hubby was on his way to South Africa didn't help either...

On May 5th, I picked up our GC and we headed to the doctor. Although her bleeding had stopped, I had prepared myself for the worst. I went back to that dark place and had no optimism. This was the appointment that I had waited for before the bleeding started, it was supposed to be when I would hear my baby's heartbeat for the first time. The doctor struggled in finding the gestational sac, there was a large sac of fluid (obviously blood), and he didn't want to add to her discomfort so he didn't try to locate the heartbeat. Dr. G wasn't worried and told her to keep taking the estrace and progesterone. I felt deflated and it took everything in me to not lose my composure. We made an appointment for the following week and left.

Those 7 days were torture. The bleeding had stopped and she was now experiencing "morning sickness". It was impossible to not get my hopes up! On May 12th, we both arrived at the doctor's office rather early hoping they would get us in sooner. I just needed to know. As soon as Dr. G began the ultrasound, it was instant- that tiny bean was right where it was supposed to be. The heartbeat was strong and I could finally breathe again! Our little bean was now 7w5d!!

Things continued to progress and by May 23rd, all meds had been discontinued. She was now producing enough progesterone and estrogen on her own which was a huge relief.

May was exhausting. The fear was constant and impossible to push aside. Every appointment gave me hope though and by the time we reached 10 weeks, Dr. G assured us that as long as things continued to look good, we could discuss seeing my OB at the next appointment.

It's safe to say that June was welcomed with open arms!

Monday, June 13, 2016

~Thursday, April 21, 2016~

Heavy rain resulted in some serious flooding which meant I had this entire week off. Can you believe I actually WANTED to work? There's just something about 80+ kids having a way of keeping you incredibly distracted. I banked on work keeping my mind occupied, rather then picking apart any minuscule symptom our GC has [or hasn't] had.

SO, I originally hadn't planned on going to the doctor's office for the beta only because getting subs as the school year comes to a close is more and more difficult. However, because I had an unplanned week of vacation, I decided to meet our GC for the blood test and a quick meeting with Dr. G. I was incredibly early and as each minute passed I thought I was going to lose my breakfast. I've never been more nervous. My stomach was in serious knots and I felt like I couldn't breathe. Road closures due to the flooding caused our GC to run a bit late, which didn't help my nerves. Once she finally arrived, I went with her while they did the BW and then we waited to see Dr. G. Honestly, it was a silly meeting because he didn't say anything I haven't heard before... Beta above 5 means we are pregnant, progesterone and estrogen will continue, blah, blah blah. On our way out, I asked the nurse how long the results typically take and she said about an hour depending on how busy the lab is. Perfect, getting home would only take a half hour.

About 10 minutes from getting home, my phone rang. I completely flipped out. How could they be calling ALREADY?!?! With my heart about to beat out of my chest, I nervously answered. The nurse asked for me, and then said the best thing I have ever heard. "SHE'S PREGNANT!" I instantly lost it, full on sobbing, couldn't talk. Beta was 865. She said our GC would have to go in Monday for an US and BW. I thanked her, hung up, and couldn't dial my husband fast enough. I literally screamed when he answered.

Thank you all for your kindness, support, love, and prayers. It still feels surreal and we haven't had a smooth couple of months, but baby is doing very well and growing on schedule! I'll write a completely up to date post later this week :)

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Transfer Day ~ April 7, 2016

This is our 5th transfer. Although my heart is guarded, it's safe to say I'm trying my best to be optimistic.

Nervous excitement pumped through me on the way to the doctor's office. Once we went back into the transfer room and I saw that gorgeous embryo on the screen, tears streamed down my cheeks. This has to work. In our 5 years of TTC, we've never had a positive pregnancy. FIVE YEARS and no positives. This has to work. Our embryo has a perfect environment to thrive in. This has to work. 


You know what's worse than the tww?? A tww where you are trying your best to not text your GC every few hours asking how she's feeling or if she has any symptoms beside those from the PIO. Trying not to act like a complete psycho is incredibly tough and nearly impossible for me, especially because I'm such a control freak.

This is by far the WORST tww I've endured. Period.

Beta is scheduled for April 21st. This has to work. 

Friday, May 27, 2016

March 2016

I apparently forgot what FET prep actually consisted of and the length of time involved.

Once the contract was a go, the doctor put our GC on Lupron for 2 weeks before she could begin Estrace. After 2 weeks of both Lupron and Estrace, the doctor had her come in for a Pre-Op for the FET and to receive instructions for the transfer. Unfortunately, this appointment fell on one of the very few days I cannot be out of the classroom so I wasn't able to go with her.

We received the Pre-Op instructions at the end of March and the transfer was scheduled for early April!


excitement. fear. anxiousness. although these emotions are far from new, I cannot help being swallowed by each of them. sometimes individually, other times all at once. with 2 embryos left, my fear is forcing me to think about the what ifs...

what if the embryo doesn't survive thawing? 

what if the transfer doesn't yield a positive pregnancy?  or what if NEITHER embryo yields a positive pregnancy?

although a part of me believes it's unfair to think of these scenarios, infertility has robbed me of optimism and guarding my heart keeps me from getting too far into the depths of the dreams I had so long ago.

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

January & February 2016

January consisted of Estrace and a sample of our GC's lining being sent to Yale for the EFT. Not incredibly exciting, but still, more progress.

At the end of January, the nurse called me saying our GC was clear (YAY!) and she could call to make an appointment for baseline blood work (wait, WHAATTT, WE DON'T HAVE A CONTRACT YET!). I immediately emailed our lawyer explaining that we were at least 6 weeks out in regards to the transfer and it was imperative that we get the contract in place sooner rather than later. She had the draft ready for us and assured me that it "usually" takes 1-2 weeks to settle. 

1-2 weeks my rear-end. Like I said before, always at the mercy of others.... 

Question- in some (not all) professions, isn't it necessary to do work after hours? I teach from the hours of 8 AM to 3:45 PM, so when is it that I am able to plan, grade papers, answer parent emails, make copies, and prepare for the following days/weeks? THAT WOULD BE AFTER SCHOOL IS OVER. No, not all the time, but I actually TEACH my kids and often have to use the hours after they leave to fulfill my duties and responsibilities as an educator. Ok, off my soapbox! 

By the end of February, the contract was finally in place and Lupron shots began.

... stay tuned my friends... 


Friday, April 29, 2016

November & December 2015

**Disclaimer: Over our 4 1/2 years of enduring infertility, one thing that will never change is how much we are at the mercy of doctors, nurses, embryologists, psychologists, lawyers, and so on. Throughout the first months of our Gestational Surrogacy process, we experienced a great deal of frustration due to a lack of communication between some of the "professionals" mentioned above. I firmly believe the months of November and December would have proceeded much more quickly if certain individuals would have just done their part without my incessant calling and emailing. 
Lazy human beings are no contest for my sass :) 

November and December were filled with meetings with our doctor, conference calls with the lawyer (it was nearly impossible to find times all 3 of us were available to talk, especially because she didn't make herself available after 5 PM, like ever), psych evaluations, and meetings with the psychologist both as a couple and with our GC.

Once our GC was cleared by the psychologist, and after one of the above mentioned individuals decided to do their job, she was able to have a consult with Dr. G and soon after completed all of her required testing.

December ended up being an emotionally draining month. My grandfather passed away and 2 days later, my nephew was born. I was able to fly to NY to spend time with my sister and nephew as well as be with my extended family to celebrate my grandfather's life. A week after I flew back to TX, we packed the car and drove to NY to celebrate the holidays with our families. Like I said, it was DRAINING!

During that time, we impatiently waited for our GC's test results and was told right after Christmas that she would be proceeding with a "mock cycle"/EFT in January. In preparation for the EFT, she would be taking Estrace. Estrogen levels would be monitored and she would then have a sample of her lining sent to Yale to test its function.

Progress AND a plan, finally! On to 2016!

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

October 2015

...when your heart (not your expectation) drives your decisions...

The first match our lawyer brought forward was "perfect" (she had been a successful GC previously), cue in serious excitement. There was one catch though: she wasn't local. This frustrated us because we had strict criteria and although we budgeted for this next stage in our infertility journey, travel expenses were not part of that budget and we also knew Dr. G would not transfer his care to another doctor. We had to pass and the wait continued.

Fast forward to another match and when we finally met her, my expectations were at an all time high. I wanted to have an instant connection. I wanted to feel something. I wanted to just know.

Well ladies, when you have set the bar at an unrealistic height, you find yourself at a crossroads. We did not just know it was right. We talked, a lot. We looked at our criteria again. She met every requirement. When we called our lawyer to give our decision, she asked this:

"Can you trust her with carrying your baby?"

The answer was an instant yes. Absolutely we could trust her, no question. In my heart, I knew she could provide us with the one thing I cannot.

No part of this process is simple and I never imagined it would be (jumping through hoops comes with the territory). Our GC is a selfless, compassionate soul and we couldn't be more thrilled to begin this next phase of our journey with her.

Monday, April 18, 2016


I abandoned my blogging both intentionally and unintentionally.

writing no longer seemed to help me cope with the chaos of infertility like it used to.

our journey finally began a new path that consumed me and blogging got pushed aside.

With that said, I have a need and desire to write again... so I've decided to go back... to October... when we finally chose our gestational surrogate.