Sunday, May 31, 2015

my quest

my blogging hiatus was both purposeful and unintentional. there are a dozen or so unpublished posts that served their purpose, and I knew the moment I began writing them the only eyes that would read those words would be mine. on the other hand, I've tried to lose myself in work, travel, and anything that can basically allow me to escape the fact that I'm struggling. 

we are about to embark on a new phase of this journey. I'd by lying if I said I wasn't still sad that I won't be carrying my own child (or children), because I am... but all along, what my heart has ached for most is for us to have a family. that now means that we have to move forward and search for someone to fulfill that dream for us.

what comes next won't be any less difficult or trying than what we've endured thus far, but what I believe is we will have a family.

-The quest to believe in something is personal and sacred. It's a battlefield and a pilgrimage, all in one breath.- (hannah brencher)


  1. So excite to follow along on this new phase. Here for you girly! It may not be what you expected, but it will be amazing in a completely new way...much love!! xoxo

  2. It's really good to hear from you. Everyone has a different path to parenthood, some take longer than others and some are harder than others but I have faith that you WILL be a Momma one day :)

  3. It's good to hear from you, Sarah! And if I can, I'd like to just encourage you a bit today. The pregnancy a huge part of why I wanted to do IVF. I just wanted (and still want) to experience a pregnancy. BUT, as I snuggle my sweet son in the morning, or when he smiles up at me, it's the last thing on my mind. The pregnancy is an experience, and a beautiful, validating one at that, but it's not what will make you a mother. When you hold your son or daughter for the first time, and the weeks and months that follow, you'll recognize that it was worth whatever sacrifices you made and dreams you lost to get there.

  4. I echo everyone else, it is so great to hear from you! You are missed! I am so happy that you are doing what you need to do for you though, and I support you in that and everything else you decide.

    I agree with Amanda. For me, having someone else carry my baby was hard. It was still hard to see fertile women announce their pregnancies and be around them. It was lonely because I now was expecting a baby but I wasn't pregnant yet I wasn't trying to get pregnant, so I fit in with no one now. The way we got our son here was not easy and is not an ideal way to have a baby. However, now that he is here, I don't care that I didn't carry him, I am just so grateful and happy he is here! I feel like we truly got to enjoy every moment more with him because I didn't have to recover, I wasn't breast feeding; it was just this little piece of heaven we now had in our arms.
    I am truly amazed at the healing that has come that I didn't expect once he was born. Since it was still hard for me during the pregnancy, I expected it to always be hard for me, but my sister who has been close to me my entire life, told me that since our son was born she has never seen me so at peace and content with life. I couldn't agree with her more and I know that once you hold that little baby in your arms, you will feel that same joy! I want that for you! I hope maybe that gives you some sort of hope. Until then, I am here for you all through the process. Sending you a huge hug! Love you girl!

  5. Found you through Suzanne and wanted to wish you the best on your new journey