Saturday, August 29, 2015

time stands still

Have you ever felt like life is in slow motion? Like every day seems longer than the 24 hours that it actually is? But yet, at the same time, a week ago feels like months ago?

We took months to decide on a lawyer that best fits our needs. Now, we wait. We wait for a match. The waiting will never get easier.

Although I'm happy we're finally here, my heart is so guarded. It's almost impossible for me to wrap my brain around the fact that someone else will bring us the happiness we have been longing for. If I'm going to be extremely honest, I'm overwhelmed and some days, the what-ifs completely swallow me whole.

I'm only human. I'm not going to pretend this is easy.

Sunday, May 31, 2015

my quest

my blogging hiatus was both purposeful and unintentional. there are a dozen or so unpublished posts that served their purpose, and I knew the moment I began writing them the only eyes that would read those words would be mine. on the other hand, I've tried to lose myself in work, travel, and anything that can basically allow me to escape the fact that I'm struggling. 

we are about to embark on a new phase of this journey. I'd by lying if I said I wasn't still sad that I won't be carrying my own child (or children), because I am... but all along, what my heart has ached for most is for us to have a family. that now means that we have to move forward and search for someone to fulfill that dream for us.

what comes next won't be any less difficult or trying than what we've endured thus far, but what I believe is we will have a family.

-The quest to believe in something is personal and sacred. It's a battlefield and a pilgrimage, all in one breath.- (hannah brencher)

Saturday, February 21, 2015

I'm not selfish.

So I'm sure you've seen the latest crap in the news...

"A society with a greedy generation, that doesn't want to surround itself with children, that considers them above all worrisome, a weight, a risk, is a depressed society," Pope Francis said. "The choice to not have children is selfish. Life rejuvenates and acquires energy when it multiplies: It is enriched, not impoverished."

I've now heard it all. Well Pope Francis, let me tell you a little something... Infertility was not a choice of mine. I am not choosing to be childless. Truth be known, I thought I'd be done having children at this point.

Don't get me wrong, I'm blessed that we are able to travel, have date nights and fun weekends away with friends, and simply enjoy one another's company. The thing is, I'd give anything to have sleepless nights and a kitchen sink full of bottles.

For the sake of being too offensive, I'll keep my real opinion to myself... But I will say this: there is not one part of me that believes having children isn't fulfilling. However, I do believe that the act of parenting shouldn't be so taken for granted.

Your view of "selfish" is quite twisted, Pope Francis.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

not ashamed.

So, I have realized that I haven't written a post since before the holidays... and to be honest, I've tried to write many times throughout the past month.

My anxiety has reached an all time high. I've done it to myself. No ones to blame [well, other than fertile people, just kidding, not really]. In all seriousness, I've placed this massive guilt on myself for not being able to do the one thing that women are supposed to do. It's not normal, I get this. My internal struggles with the fact that I cannot carry my own child have not gotten easier. I thought that after the sting wore off I'd do what I've always done... get back up and move on to the next step. Although we have decided on what's next, some days I don't want to accept that THIS is where we're at.

I'm not ashamed that I'm struggling. I'll get there, I always do.