Tuesday, November 25, 2014

rough roads.

I won't lie, the past month has been quite rough. I'm distant and listen to about a quarter of what people say to me. My struggles are consuming me and I'm far from the sympathetic, considerate individual I was 3 years ago when this all began. At this point, there are few people who don't know that we have been unsuccessful in our attempts to have a family and for the most part, stay away from the topic at all costs... but we all slip sometimes. Although the comments are unintentional, it still stings. I suppose they will always sting. Even if we are lucky enough to become parents one day, I will embrace every waking moment because this journey to motherhood is hell on steroids.

Right now though, I'm not embracing anything.


Monday, November 3, 2014

numb.

some days (most days), I just feel numb. I've buried myself in work, cooking, cleaning, and sleeping.

now that november is here, my heart is even heavier. in 7 weeks, we'll be heading to NY for Christmas, and the anxiety has already set in. I plan on planting myself on my parent's couch and that's all I want to do... I purposely haven't been home in well over a year. there, no one either knows or respects the hell we've been through and I have zero interest in putting myself in the position to explain. no, I don't want to go see old friends. no, I don't want to go out to the bar so those same old friends can talk about their 1, 2, or more children. I can barely get through the work day without falling apart, and I sure as hell will not do so out in public.

Christmas was difficult last year, and this year will be no exception. dreading the holidays is an understatement. we're in limbo right now and although we've discussed our options (the whole 2 that we have), I want to push the fast forward button to January 1st. actually, next summer would do. now that we've spent what seems like $1,000,000 on treatments over the past 3 years (yes, I realize that is a stupid exaggeration...), we have to put this next step on hold until at least next summer (or longer if things don't work in our favor- which would be par for the course). I don't want to shop for gifts, I don't want any for myself.... I just want a baby.