Monday, October 20, 2014

are my feelings natural?

I suck at being a good blogger right now. this place I'm in... it's unreal how my world came crashing down so quickly and how terribly I'm handling it. the tears won't stop falling and now I'm getting pissed off. here's the thing... I'm not mad that our best chance of having a family is to pursue the GC route, because like I mentioned in my last post, it's always been a brief topic in our conversations... deep down, I knew it could be a possibility. honestly, I'm mad at myself right now. I can't get past the fact that I'm not going to be able to experience being pregnant. I realize what I want more is to have a family, but dammit, I didn't think I'd have to give up part of that dream already.

we have not met with Dr. G to discuss our next steps. even though it makes sense to at least try hormone therapy for the 3 months, although I'm not yet ready to accept someone else carrying our future, I think I am ready to call it quits on my own body. I've given it all I've got for the past 3 years, and I'm not sure there's much fight left in me. the emotional and physical exhaustion of infertility has hit an all time high.

I will muster up the strength and courage for whatever comes next in this never-ending journey... maybe not at the moment, but I will.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

my heart aches today.

there are many difficult parts of infertility... it's impossible to pinpoint any single one as the worst, but it quite possibly may be the toll this has taken on my husband. he's the strong one, the optimistic one, the one that picks me up after another failed cycle, the one that maps out our next steps and figures out the finances. but nothing could have prepared me for the hurt and sadness I saw on his face when he told me last night that he had talked to the doctor...

I left a message with my nurse yesterday to have Dr. G call my husband. we had a few more questions and wanted them answered before my cycle began so we would be ready to start prepping for another FET. we briefly discussed my lining issues last week at our follow-up but Dr. G was extremely hopeful still, even though my HPT had been negative.

so, Dr. G has given us two options:
1. 3 months of hormone therapy to "see" if my lining will get thicker... he wouldn't transfer either of our remaining embryos if it didn't reach at least 10 mm
2. use a gestational carrier

although we've discussed a GC in the past, the reality of knowing that I cannot carry my own child hit me harder than I expected. this long road just got much longer and I'm struggling now more than ever.

we will somehow get past this hurdle, just like we always manage to do. but right now, I feel like infertility is winning. the pain it's causing is so deep. my heart aches today.


Sunday, October 5, 2014

broken

despite the different protocol and many positive steps in what seemed to be the direction towards our dream, I'm sad to say that this time, our hard work did not pay off.

at the beginning of last week, my hope was high... I had experienced some odd symptoms that I didn't believe were associated with the progesterone. my cramps have progressively gotten worse though, and I told myself I'd wait until today- 10dp6dt. I knew before I took the test out of the wrapper.  how is it that 1 line could show up so quickly?

I feel as if my body is broken.
6 months of clomid
2 medicated/monitored IUIs
1 fresh transfer
3 FETs (2 total cycles of IVF)
...3+ years

and yet, here I am. another negative to add to the board.

my official beta isn't until Thursday... I'll call tomorrow but I know the drill- I'll still have to pump my broken body full of the estrace/progesterone and struggle through the PIO shots for 4 more days.

the deep, unadulterated sadness didn't sink in until now. my body has let me down again. I'm broken, devastated, and do not know how I'll pick myself up and try again.