Saturday, August 30, 2014

clarity

ever since this rather long IVF cycle began back in July, I've been in a different state of mind compared to the last cycle and my other FETs. I know this is due to many factors... and although I find myself doubting the quality of my growing lining right now, I can't help but have clarity about the outcome. my protocol is hugely responsible for this, because everything Dr. G has done is different from what I've done in the past... and somehow, we've managed to get more good news than I thought possible. as much as I try to be realistic, I'm so hopeful.

the Lupron is really kicking my ass and I feel pretty crappy most days lately. maybe when I start my PIO shots, I'll forget about the hot flashes and headaches... and nausea. gross.


Sunday, August 24, 2014

lupron is the devil.

oh Lupron, you have gotten the best of me.

I'm only on day 12 but I feel like it's day 1,276. My body officially hates me. The headaches conveniently started when I went back to work this past week, which helps my productivity level immensely. This chick has no energy, which is really awesome considering I'll be teaching roughly 80 9-year olds beginning tomorrow.

The last week was hell... between the stresses that come with my job and experiencing quite a few side effects from the Lupron. I know stress isn't good right now, but I do not know how to manage it. I'm worried about this FET cycle, and to be honest, it'll be a damn miracle if it works.

scan is Wednesday... the Lupron better be doing its job.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

torn

where is my heart today? the answer is not a simple one.

the poison of infertility is ruining every piece of good news I've miraculously managed to receive over the past few weeks. the thing is, I'm TRYING to embrace it all. I'm TRYING to celebrate these little wins. I'm TRYING to be hopeful... but dammit, that stupid voice is constantly tainting my small bouts of happiness. infertility is such a bitch!

my eggs didn't betray me like I had thought they would, and now that we have 3 perfect, viable embryos, my infertility demons are trying to taunt me with ways this could all fall apart.

it's difficult to express the range of emotions I'm experiencing right now... my "veteran" status of being here for 3 years is causing me to be realistic, but yet, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't extremely hopeful.

in the meantime, I'm happy to report that I have successfully given my first 2 Lupron shots to myself. yes, and I didn't pass out. oh and I did myself the pleasure of reading all the side effects from the prescription information... cheers to headaches, general body pain, dizziness, hot flashes, loss of appetite, nausea or vomiting, trouble sleeping, or weakness.

I just have to keep reminding myself that all of this will pay off...

Monday, August 11, 2014

test results!

well folks, we have some test results. let me just say that I'm still in a little bit of shock...
- 1 embryo is abnormal: missing chromosomes 3 and 21
- 2 embryos have to be retested: the sample cells did not have any nuclei and my doctor said this can happen as they only take a small sample to begin with because they don't want to damage the embryo
- which means, if you can do some simple grade school math... we have TWO NORMAL EMBRYOS
....this all also means that we COULD potentially have between 2 and 4 viable embryos. WAIT, WHAT?!!?!?!? I mean, I am OVER THE MOON with 2, because I didn't think we'd even get ONE!

I start Lupron shots on Wednesday and one of these perfect little embryos will be transferred in September.

there's a lot of unknown still, but I fully trust that Dr. G will get us the one thing we've always wanted.

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.
- Eleanor Roosevelt 




Tuesday, August 5, 2014

not cursing this day for once.

a year ago today, August 5th, 2013, was a horrible day. my BFN from our 2nd FET put a nasty shadow on an otherwise happy day. loathing in self pity wasn't exactly how I intended spending my birthday.

I'm quite surprised that although another year has passed and we are still not parents, I'm not cursing this day like I have been since I hit 30. this day has been a nasty reminder that I'm not where I planned on being... but plans never go as we intend now, do they?

what's changed my perspective? beats me. could be the little birdie [and by birdie, I mean Allison], reminding me that my time will come. thanks girl, love you lots :)