Saturday, June 28, 2014

plan h?

I don't even know which plan I'm on anymore... everything seems to meld together. As each month passes and turns into years, nothing about each of these plans surprises me anymore.

Our umpteenth consult with Dr. G was on Wednesday, and here it is... The abnormality with the embryo is not uncommon, so we are going to proceed with an egg retrieval, fertilization, pray for lots of embryos, and then have them tested [and hopefully frozen for a future FET]. There are many 'what ifs' swirling in my brain, all things we discussed with the doctor. I swear he reads my mind, because before I could ask, he said, "What if they are all abnormal?" Well, it's a damn crapshoot folks.

So, I should be all excited about this next step, right?! Well... here's the thing... I'm not. I don't have that giddy feeling that I've had with plans A-G. The IVF excitement/naivety wore off a good year ago and the knowledge of what can happen has completely jaded me. Am I grateful we have this last opportunity? Of course I am. In all honesty though, I'm dreading the daily shots [and bruising], feeling like crap, and the mood swings, because when it's all said and done, the end result may only be the knowledge that we can't make viable embryos and a lot less money for the next plan. I'm angry that I'm already thinking of the next plan. I can't help but be realistic though.

I'll be on BC for the next few weeks (business travel is conveniently prolonging this cycle) and then if all looks well, it'll all begin. I don't have my treatment plan yet, the nurse will call me with it next week.

Maybe I'll feel better about all of this once I see my calendar...

Friday, June 13, 2014

nothing is perfect.

My exceptional mood came crashing down last night... Despite the high Venice has brought on. Our last embryo is abnormal- 45 chromosomes instead of 46. Am I shocked? No. Does it still suck? Sure does. That's it for right now. I'll update after I return back to my shitty reality and we've met with Dr. G. 

Monday, June 2, 2014

we shall see.

Much to my surprise, our little frosty survived the thaw, biopsy, and is currently freezing again. The nurse called today and said the biopsy was sent out and we should have the results by the end of the week.

Although I don't want to put myself through IVF again (which, I'm being realistic here, I do think will still happen this summer), I was prepared to hear the embryo didn't survive. Now, I'm hoping it's abnormal. I know this may sound terrible, but after 3 years at this, I would really like at least ONE logical explanation as to WHY I haven't gotten pregnant.

I'm not one to be overly optimistic [or optimistic at all, ha!], but maybe this is our one shot... maybe this last embryo is our 1 normal embryo out of the 4 that we got from our last cycle of IVF. It's out of our hands now, so we shall see...