Wednesday, May 21, 2014

my person.

So after watching the Grey's season finale last week, and the birth of my bestie's gorgeous baby girl on Monday, it made me think...

Back in the fall, my best friend become distant, distracted, and I knew something was wrong. Although our friendship began a mere 5 years ago, we had an instant connection and she's been my saving grace throughout my journey with infertility- always cheering me on and supporting me in every way possible. So, when I walked into her classroom that afternoon, and found her sobbing on the floor, I knew. I've never experienced someone hurting and so sad at the possibility of losing me as a friend. In the back of my mind, I always knew that it could happen, that she could become pregnant again and we wouldn't be able to share that special time together. I never imagined that someone could be so caring, so thoughtful, and so concerned about potentially hurting me. I didn't lie, it was difficult, but she was so selfless... never making a huge announcement at work, and played it down at all costs in an attempt to not hurt me.

Even though that moment of her and I sitting on her floor will forever be engrained in my memory, it's the texts that we exchanged that night and the days following. She said I was her person, and for those of you who don't watch Grey's Anatomy, Meredith Grey and Christina Yang have been friends since the season opener, and they are each other's "person".

Well Mer, you'll always be my person. You'll be my person when we someday have to live in different states, or even continents. You'll be my person in the delivery room with me when I finally beat this battle. You'll be my person forever. No one is as honest with me, as supportive, or as hopeful for my future as you are. For that, I love you, and cannot begin to imagine what my life would be like if you weren't in it. I'll forever be grateful for our friendship.

Who's your person?


Monday, May 12, 2014

an act of kindness

Surprisingly, yesterday wasn't as dreadful of a day as it has been over the past few years since we started this journey. I took the usual measures of not going out in public to save myself the awkward interactions that would ensue if I was wished a "Happy Mother's Day" (which still, did actually happen on Saturday, but shockingly didn't bother me).

One thing did happen yesterday that proves to me how thoughtful and caring my circle of friends really are. I did take it upon myself to wish my friends who are mommies a "Happy Mother's Day", and although I never once expected anything other than "thank you" back, the following was a message that will forever be close to my heart:

"Good afternoon! I just wanted you to know that on Mother's Day I am thinking of you! I know one day you are going to get your dream of being a mom and you will be one of the best out there. I can only imagine that a day like this must be so difficult. Because of you, I will never take for granted what was given to me. I love you so much and know this will happen for you! xoxo" 

A gesture like this is beyond words, and I'm forever grateful that my mommy friends recognize and respect the place I'm in. I'm so thankful for the wonderful people in my life :)

Thursday, May 8, 2014

moving forward

Our appointment yesterday was more promising than my pessimistic self had anticipated...

- We can biopsy our one frozen embryo... if it is normal, we will refreeze (which I didn't know was even an option), and a transfer will happen after our trip to Italy- Lupron and all. (If that doesn't result in a positive beta, then we will be back to square one...)
- If the embryo isn't normal, Dr. G will look closely at the results and decide if IVF is the best option depending on any abnormalities of the embryo/my egg.
- Donor eggs aren't on the horizon just yet... I was jumping the gun. He isn't convinced that my eggs are bad...

I've had a day to process this all... and I'm not sure what I think.

What I do know is he absolutely has a realistic plan for us and is covering every base possible before we go forward with alternative options of donor eggs, a gestational carrier/surrogate, or even adoption.

I also know I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet... I'm not ready to give up on my [rather broken] body. I'm not naive and know that time isn't on my side, and this break didn't result in a pregnancy (shocking I know, considering I've been so "relaxed").

We shall see. For now, I have to focus on this last frosty and hope it can give us some answers.

Thank you ladies for your continued support and love, I couldn't do this without you. xo