Monday, March 10, 2014

advice is a funny thing...

it's a known fact that advice is tricky. when asked for, you truly want someone else's opinion on how to "fix" a problem.

so here's the thing, for us infertiles, if we don't ask for advice, don't give it.

I'm linking to this post written by my fellow infertile, Amanda. she nailed it and I couldn't have said it better myself.


Saturday, March 8, 2014

3.

that's the number of years we have been trying to have a family of more than two… my heart is heavy right now. I realize that no one ever anticipates the hardships put before them. Somehow, I did know that my path to motherhood wouldn't be easy, but nothing prepared me for being here, 3 years later and nothing to show for the hell I've endured.

well, I suppose it depends on how you look at it… I have no shame when it comes to doctors and nurses- between ultrasounds, IUIs, biopsies, egg retrievals, FETs… yah, no shame. my faith has been tested and is wearing very thin. we have less money for our future family (whatever that may be). I've developed anxiety that's often unbearable.

the list could go on forever, but what's the point in tallying up all of the crap that my infertility has caused me? doing that only makes me more angry and creates a deeper level of pain.

I can't help but wonder who I will be if I don't become the ONLY thing I've dreamt about being for practically my entire life.

Monday, March 3, 2014

pity party- table for 1.

I think I've started to write a post just about every day over the past week, and then I just sit here and stare. I've got nothing. Nothing to report, nothing witty or interesting to share. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

This break sucks.

I really wasn't going to share, but I got my hopes up last month.

You all know what I mean…

I've been making it a point to track my cycles and thought it'd be helpful to have when we do decide to go forward with IVF again. So as each day passed that AF didn't arrive, I got my hopes up. Not a lot, not to the point where I ran to the nearest pharmacy/grocery store to stock up on HPTs, but I won't lie, there was a slight glimmer. In my last bout of rage, I told my husband we'll never be one of THOSE lucky ones. You know, the ones that spend years trying, go through countless treatments, and then SURPRISE! I mean, my cycles have NEVER been "normal" and to be honest, after we got married, I didn't take BC religiously and often forgot to take it. So, in 5 years, if we haven't been blessed by at least ONE positive, I just don't see it happening. Like ever. Yet, I still get a wave of hope [albeit small] when my unpredictable body doesn't do what I expect it to. It's stupid and stressful. Why do I do this to myself each month? Why I am so obsessed with recording every change in my body when it's useless? It's like I subconsciously enjoy torturing myself with these thoughts of "what if?".

Man, this pity party train really needs to get to its destination. I'm so consumed by the pain, resentment, and straight-out HATE of infertility, that I'm not enjoying life. I can't even remember the last time we went out to dinner with anyone besides ourselves. Infertility has become social suicide. Maybe my upcoming week of vacation will provide me with what I need right now… whatever that is…