Monday, November 3, 2014

numb.

some days (most days), I just feel numb. I've buried myself in work, cooking, cleaning, and sleeping.

now that november is here, my heart is even heavier. in 7 weeks, we'll be heading to NY for Christmas, and the anxiety has already set in. I plan on planting myself on my parent's couch and that's all I want to do... I purposely haven't been home in well over a year. there, no one either knows or respects the hell we've been through and I have zero interest in putting myself in the position to explain. no, I don't want to go see old friends. no, I don't want to go out to the bar so those same old friends can talk about their 1, 2, or more children. I can barely get through the work day without falling apart, and I sure as hell will not do so out in public.

Christmas was difficult last year, and this year will be no exception. dreading the holidays is an understatement. we're in limbo right now and although we've discussed our options (the whole 2 that we have), I want to push the fast forward button to January 1st. actually, next summer would do. now that we've spent what seems like $1,000,000 on treatments over the past 3 years (yes, I realize that is a stupid exaggeration...), we have to put this next step on hold until at least next summer (or longer if things don't work in our favor- which would be par for the course). I don't want to shop for gifts, I don't want any for myself.... I just want a baby.




6 comments:

  1. Oh Sarah I am so sorry! I know how hard the holidays can be. It is so hard when the one thing you want is a baby. I think everything you are feeling is understandable and so normal. I wish there was something I could do to make this better. Sending you a big hug and thinking of you! xoxoxo

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  2. I just wrote yesterday about the upcoming holidays. It sucks when we're already dreading them and they're still weeks away. Thinking of you Sarah!

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  3. I was just yesterday telling my best friend how numb I feel these days... I feel like I have been defeated by this process and it's hard to stay hopeful. yesterday once again I got bad news and we had to cancel our third ivf cycle in a row for persistently thin lining. We also have embryos frozen... At this point we're going to try another fresh cycle just to see if that will stimulate my lining more but if not things aren't looking good, then GC really are our other option also. I I am so so sorry for you, This whole thing sucks and it's so unfair. No one should have to go through this..anyway if you want to vent or just talk to someone going through a similar struggle please feel free to reach out to me. It's so isolating to go through this, especially when you feel like all the people around you have absolutely no concept of the hell we going through...sending love and healing vibes...

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  4. Holiday time is a very hard one :( It's even harder when you know you have been through so much already. You are in my thoughts Sarah! *hugs*

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  5. Sorry you are so down, but I know that feeling of just wanting a baby and not being able to do or think about anything else. If you don't want to go out to the bar, then don't force yourself to talk to anyone or do anything you don't want to. I hope that being around your family, even if you don't leave their house, might help just a tiny bit...even if you can just talk to your mom and cry it out. Let it all out any way you can with your family!

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  6. I hear ya. Holidays are rough. We relive the miscarriage we had just before Christmas two years ago every year. Take care of yourself!

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