Tuesday, October 14, 2014

my heart aches today.

there are many difficult parts of infertility... it's impossible to pinpoint any single one as the worst, but it quite possibly may be the toll this has taken on my husband. he's the strong one, the optimistic one, the one that picks me up after another failed cycle, the one that maps out our next steps and figures out the finances. but nothing could have prepared me for the hurt and sadness I saw on his face when he told me last night that he had talked to the doctor...

I left a message with my nurse yesterday to have Dr. G call my husband. we had a few more questions and wanted them answered before my cycle began so we would be ready to start prepping for another FET. we briefly discussed my lining issues last week at our follow-up but Dr. G was extremely hopeful still, even though my HPT had been negative.

so, Dr. G has given us two options:
1. 3 months of hormone therapy to "see" if my lining will get thicker... he wouldn't transfer either of our remaining embryos if it didn't reach at least 10 mm
2. use a gestational carrier

although we've discussed a GC in the past, the reality of knowing that I cannot carry my own child hit me harder than I expected. this long road just got much longer and I'm struggling now more than ever.

we will somehow get past this hurdle, just like we always manage to do. but right now, I feel like infertility is winning. the pain it's causing is so deep. my heart aches today.


12 comments:

  1. I am so sorry Sarah. I was so hopeful that you would finally be seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. These are such tough decisions to make. I'm thinking about you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am so so sorry! I do hate the toll infertility takes on everyone involved/invested in it. It is the absolute worst! Your doctor sounds great! I hope and pray that your next steps will bring you closer to your baby!
    As far as the GC route... I am so so grateful to be in the position that I am in right now (it is nice to not be in the always "trying" phase); however, it does still bug me at times that I have not been able to get pregnant and have my own baby. I don't know if that will ever go away (I kind of address this in my last blog post)... so much so that I really am thinking about going to counseling because I want those bad feelings infertility brings gone!
    Anyways, whatever you choose, I know will be the right path for you and your husband. It is not easy making those choices.... if only we could be told what choice was the best one!
    I hope that in the meantime your heart can heal in some way! Thinking of you and sending a big hug to you!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I only recently found your blog but wanted to let you know that I understand your pain and feeling of hopelessness... My ttc timeline is extremely similar to yours and while my initial problem was pcos and not ovulating - my biggest issue has become a resistant lining - it has remained thin despite so many different medications and protocols. I am hoping that one day I can Actuslly have a FET but so far it's just been cancellations... I've also broached the topic of a GC with my husband but i want so badly to be able to carry my baby.. While it is good to know that there is a backup plan it is heartbreaking at the same time and I am so sorry for you. Xo

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm so so sorry you're hurting, Sarah. I can't imagine how hard it is to be faced with the decision to use a GC. I don't know if you follow Suzanne at Our Journey to Baby Bump but she is going the GC route. It might help to talk to someone who has walked in your shoes. Hang in there my friend. Hugs!!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Awe, sweetie. My heart is breaking for you so much right now. I hope that the fact you still have remaining embryos can bring some semblance of hope back into your heart. Whatever decision you make, it really is great that you still have embryos, so please please try not to forget those little lives that are just waiting to take root and come home to their momma!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am so sorry for the pain you and your husband are feeling right now. It always broke my heart to see my hubby try to be strong for me when I knew he was hurting as well. Will be thinking and praying for you both as you decide the next steps in your journey.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am so very sorry that you or anyone else has to feel this hurt and pain. The hubby and I have had a similar situation where I can tell this is getting to him and it's hard when the men are always the tough ones. I am thinking of you. HUGS

    ReplyDelete
  8. So sorry about this news! I will keep my fingers crossed and pray that you can come to the decision that is best for you guys! Like Jessah Dadi, reach out to Suzanne, she would be a wonderful resource! Hugs and strength to you!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm so sorry hun, this makes me so sad that you have to go through this. I know you'll come to a decision that's best for your family. Hang in there, sending lots of hugs and support your way!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am just so sorry to see this post and to hear how much you and your husband are hurting right now. I know the deep down heartbreak that comes with hearing those words from your doctor. I think it's great that he's giving you a choice to consider and think about. I've been on a multitude of meds for my lining, so please let me know if you want to chat about those...or the GC route. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  11. Sorry to hear that you're at this cross-road. Wishing you the best with your next steps

    ReplyDelete
  12. Im sorry you are going through this. I'm going you both can come to a decision you both feel comfortable with.

    ReplyDelete