Sunday, October 5, 2014

broken

despite the different protocol and many positive steps in what seemed to be the direction towards our dream, I'm sad to say that this time, our hard work did not pay off.

at the beginning of last week, my hope was high... I had experienced some odd symptoms that I didn't believe were associated with the progesterone. my cramps have progressively gotten worse though, and I told myself I'd wait until today- 10dp6dt. I knew before I took the test out of the wrapper.  how is it that 1 line could show up so quickly?

I feel as if my body is broken.
6 months of clomid
2 medicated/monitored IUIs
1 fresh transfer
3 FETs (2 total cycles of IVF)
...3+ years

and yet, here I am. another negative to add to the board.

my official beta isn't until Thursday... I'll call tomorrow but I know the drill- I'll still have to pump my broken body full of the estrace/progesterone and struggle through the PIO shots for 4 more days.

the deep, unadulterated sadness didn't sink in until now. my body has let me down again. I'm broken, devastated, and do not know how I'll pick myself up and try again.


12 comments:

  1. My dear friend, I am so deeply sorry. I am praying for your heart and that they will let you visit early for your beta. I hate this so much for you. You don't deserve this. I'm just so sorry. Please let me know if you need anything. Love you ...

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  2. Oh Sarah I'm am so sorry and sad to hear this. I was so hopeful this cycle was it. This is so not fair! I hate all that you have gone and are going through! I wish there was something I could say or do to make this better. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers! Sending you a big huge hug! I'm so sorry.

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  3. Sarah, I am so sorry it didn't turn out the way you'd hoped it would. I wish I could just make the heartache disappear for you somehow. Please just remember that you aren't alone, and vent, cry, pout as much as you need to. You have so many people who love you and are here for you. XOXO

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  4. Oh Sarah, I'm so sorry! I know you were so hopeful... I was too, a normal embryo is just too good not to get excited over. You are so loved Sarah. Know that we are all here for you. Sending big, big hugs your way.

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  5. I am so very sorry this didn't go as you'd hoped for :( It's just not fair at all.

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  6. I'm sorry please know we are all here for u.

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  7. I am so unbelievably sorry, I am in a similar situation, 3+ years of ttc, 2 IUIs, one miscarriage, 1 fresh, 1 frozen IVF about to start my second frozen and its Sooo hard to stay optimistic. I am sending you so much love, many prayers, and lots of support!

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  8. I'm also chiming in as someone who has nearly identical stats, 3+ years, 2 IVF cycles, four transfers and nothing to show except the debt! Not having a reason is one of the most frustrating aspects. Our stim cycles were also nearly identical, when you produce a decent crop of eggs and get normal embryos, you expect it will work! It's so hard to get to a place where not only are you jealous of fertiles, you envy those who suceed on their first or second IVF cycle. It's all so unfair. We're here for you when you need to vent, cry, scream.... etc...

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  9. First of all, I'm sorry for being MIA and just now reading this. A death in my family has kept me off blogs for the past week. I want you to know when I did read this my heart broke for you. I know how much you've been through. I know how long you've waited. I know how much you want and need this. And all I can say is I am so, so sorry. I'm sending you so much love...

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  10. Oh Sarah. I know there are no words that can ease your sadness. It hurts so much when our bodies betray us. I'm sorry for your struggle and am sending so much love and strength your way.

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  11. Sarah I found your blog through the girls who have commented above. I cycled in Aug. and transferred a genetically normal embryo and suffered a very short lived chemical pregnancy (Beta #1 was 9, #2 was 5.2). I completely understand your heartache and frustration. Please know that you are not alone and we are all here for you. Thinking about you and will be keeping you in my prayers.

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