Monday, October 20, 2014

are my feelings natural?

I suck at being a good blogger right now. this place I'm in... it's unreal how my world came crashing down so quickly and how terribly I'm handling it. the tears won't stop falling and now I'm getting pissed off. here's the thing... I'm not mad that our best chance of having a family is to pursue the GC route, because like I mentioned in my last post, it's always been a brief topic in our conversations... deep down, I knew it could be a possibility. honestly, I'm mad at myself right now. I can't get past the fact that I'm not going to be able to experience being pregnant. I realize what I want more is to have a family, but dammit, I didn't think I'd have to give up part of that dream already.

we have not met with Dr. G to discuss our next steps. even though it makes sense to at least try hormone therapy for the 3 months, although I'm not yet ready to accept someone else carrying our future, I think I am ready to call it quits on my own body. I've given it all I've got for the past 3 years, and I'm not sure there's much fight left in me. the emotional and physical exhaustion of infertility has hit an all time high.

I will muster up the strength and courage for whatever comes next in this never-ending journey... maybe not at the moment, but I will.


  1. Your feelings are so natural. When I attended support groups, they always said, everyone has different needs. Some people just want to be parents no matter how it happens, be it adoption, GC, etc. Other women just want to experience pregnancy and they aren't concerned if it is a genetically linked child. There are no rules dictating that you should be resigned to whatever hand you get dealt and the options it limits you to. Grieving the loss of ever personally experiencing a pregnancy doesn't change how much you love the child that will eventually be yours. You have to mourn for every level of intervention that escalates. First you grieved ever conceiving spontaneously and eventually you were okay with IVF. Someday, if it comes to it, I hope you will be okay with pursuing a GC and will have the same enthusiasm you once had for other options. But that day doesn't have to be today.

  2. Although I haven't pursued the GC route, I would think that at some point there is some tiny bit of relief in letting go of the desire to carry the child, and actually feeling somewhat relieved that the pressure is no longer on your body to perform every step of the way. I know that is not even close to the place you're at right now, but I hope that you may be able to get there with time to process everything. Being pregnant can be great for some women, but it's not great for all. The more important thing in the entire life that you will be spending with your baby. YOU will be her momma and no one else. You have every right to feel the way you do though. Feel it, process it, and heal from it the best you can. Sending you hugs as always. xo

  3. I completely agree with Nina. You have proven over and over again that you can muster the strength for anything. You'll do that in your own time. And if it's needed when that time comes, you'll embrace it because you're ready. xoxo

  4. I think the bottom line is that we as women feel like we should be able to have a baby(ies), I mean that's what we are meant to do!! It should not be a problem yet here we are all struggling to do just that! As time goes on it seems like there is no happy ending in site. You almost talk yourself into just living child free but of course those feelings of wanting to have baby don't just go away. Of course I think how you are feeling is totally normal. If you do go the GC route I think once you have that sweet baby in your arms that will be all that matters. I'm sure the road along the way won't be easy but maybe at the end it will all be ok :)

  5. I just stumbled upon your blog, and have not read your experiences to date, but I felt compelled to comment, as we are in such a similar spot as we are also coming to the realization that so long as my body is involved in carrying a child, we will not have a successful pregnancy. My heart breaks for you that you are also in this situations. It's just so tough!
    Your last two sentences really spoke to me, so much so that they could have come straight from my own heart - "I've given it all I've got for the past 3 years, and I'm not sure there's much fight left in me. the emotional and physical exhaustion of infertility has hit an all time high. I will muster up the strength and courage for whatever comes next in this never-ending journey... maybe not at the moment, but I will." I am confident that you will muster up the needed strength and courage as time goes on. Although the decisions will be tough, I wish you the best in your journey and look forward to following you and seeing what transpires next.

  6. I am so sorry you are going through this!!! It is understandable how you are feeling and you shouldn't feel bad about it. Be patient and gentle with yourself and give yourself the time you need to work through this and your feelings. You have been through so much!

    I am so grateful that our GC is pregnant right now, but I have had resentful feelings of not being able to get pregnant even while our GC is pregnant with our baby. I don't know if/when that will go away. However, those bad feelings are much much easier to deal with now that I know I have a baby on the way. Also, I have two embryos left that I will try again with after our GC has our baby. We did it this way, so that maybe if those last two don't work we will not be so devastated because we will already have a baby from our amazing GC.
    Maybe you too can get your baby through a GC and can save a couple embryos to try again once you have your baby? There is a sense of relief that you have once you know a baby is on the way, once you are not always trying for just one. Maybe once we put our last two embryos in me I won't be as desperate for it to work since we finally already have a baby, so maybe I will get pregnant??? And maybe that way could work for you too?
    I don't know if I'm making any sense, but I am just throwing out some possibilities. If you hate my ideas, just tell me to be quiet ;)
    I am here if you want to talk, cry, vent, whatever.

    Thinking of you and praying for you! Sending you a big hug!
    I'm so sorry you are going through this. I am here for you, cheering you on every step of the way!