Tuesday, September 30, 2014

prayer warriors needed.

My dear, dear friend Allison and her precious baby girls are in need of prayers. Pray those bundles stay put for as long as possible.
Thinking of you and sending lots of prayers, xoxo. 

Saturday, September 27, 2014

friendships change.

Now that I have embarked on another 2ww, I can honestly say I'm in a better place emotionally than I anticipated.

I've spent a great deal of time pondering the last 3 years... this journey has taught me a lot about myself and others. I'm sad to say that some of my longest friendships have suffered. These broken friendships have weighed heavily on my heart, and I've been purposefully pushed to side, thrown "away", and forgotten. That's not what friendship is about, not in my book. I could sit here and apologize.. but what would I be sorry for? I'm sorry that infertility chose me and I dealt with it the best way I possibly could? I'm sorry that I was unable to attend baby showers, gender reveal parties, etc. because it was just too much for my heart to endure? Here's the thing... I've also formed some amazing, life-long friendships over the past few years. These ladies respect the place I'm in and have shown nothing but love and support. That's all I want. I do not want understanding. I want respect. I'm sorry to say that I'm not sorry.

So, as I sit here with a little fear of the unknown, what I do know is that the outpouring of support will continue to help me brush myself off and get back up again because I am loved.

Monday, September 22, 2014

PIO is my arch nemesis.

y'all... I do not know how it's possible that I could forget how amazing these shots make my rear feel.... I limped around work today like nobody's business.

wimp is my middle name, but I'd like to think my skin has gotten a wee bit thicker over the past few years between the needles, catheters, and overall loveliness of the fertility drugs. apparently though, my back side is no contest to the awesomeness of PIO.

I didn't use ice last night, so I'll try that tonight... but I did sit on a heating pad, which clearly didn't help.

in my instructions, it says "remember that a tense muscle will increase the discomfort from the injection". no SHIT.

so excuse me while I hop on the pity party train for a few miles... I know you've all felt this form of physical pain before and you get it... but man, my strength is really being tested right now and I'm struggling.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

FET on the horizon.

by some miracle, my lining decided to plump up a bit. not much, but enough for Dr. G to schedule my transfer.

cautiously optimistic is the best way to describe my feelings about this particular FET. I wish my lining was thicker, but there's nothing that says this can't/won't work with a thin lining... especially because it's "normal". (whatever that means... I'm obviously still not convinced...)

it's been over a year since we did a transfer and I'm in an odd place right now. I'm betting that's the result of the fact that despite the crappy path that's led me here, there is some hope left.

now I'm mentally preparing for the PIO shots that are oh so fun. 

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

big thumbs down

5.14 is the best measurement Dr. G got this morning...

looks like the transfer will be pushed back a week.

my lining has always been an underachiever and I've barely reached 8 mm. it was 6.7 during my stim cycle in July and he wants a minimum of 6 before he'll give me the go ahead for the transfer.

am I surprised? no.

am I feeling a bit defeated? you bet.

*!@# you Wednesday!

Monday, September 8, 2014


I'm now realizing that maybe the Lurpon isn't sucking the life [and all energy] outta me like I thought... it's my job.

when we transferred our last embryo at my old clinic last August, I was hoping that all those months of acupuncture and the fact that it was summer vacation would considerably help me relax. well we all know how THAT turned out.

so, now, with this transfer quickly creeping upon me, I'm wondering what my incredibly exhausted state is going to do to my body... more specifically to my uterus. high strung is my middle name... and now that I'm back at work, I'm constantly in full force.

there are many factors that will contribute to the success [or failure] of this FET... and I'm hoping the fact that we are transferring a NORMAL embryo will be the most important piece that's in our favor.

scan is Wednesday to check my lining. although there is some worry (I can't help it), I'm just ready for next week.

every ounce of my being is invested in this transfer. please God, work.