Wednesday, July 30, 2014

the other 2ww.

So, here are my stats:
Egg retrieval = 14 eggs
We had 13 eggs fertilize.
On day 3, 11 were still truckin' along.
Now, we have 5- day 5 blasts.
These blasts were biopsied today, then frozen.

It's going to take about 2 weeks for the test results... seriously, another 2ww?! Patience is NOT my finest quality.  Whoever created that lame quote never had to wait for anything, EVER!

I won't lie, I'm bummed with this outcome. When I found out that 13 of MY eggs had fertilized, I actually cried tears of joy for the first time since this awesome trying journey began. That feeling, that's what it must feel like to see a 2nd line a HPT or get a positive beta. I'm afraid I may never have that feeling again... I realize that they didn't survive because they weren't viable. But in my mixed up way of thinking, I wanted as many blasts as possible, because I know that realistically, at least half or more will be abnormal.

There are other options if the odds don't work in our favor [which won't be the first time...]. However, depending on cost, we may have to take another year off. A year where life will go on for everyone else, and I'll be stuck on the sidelines yet again.

I'm not quite sure why I'm taking this news so badly... I knew that there was a possibility of not having ANY blastocysts today. So, I should be thankful that we have 5 to work with. But I also always look at worst case scenario... which is that none of them are normal. Which would confirm what I've felt deep in my gut all along... which is my eggs are no good.

There is some hope left, but I'm [somewhat] prepared for the worst.

10 comments:

  1. That's so hard. It's all about expectations. I'm sure when you heard 13 fertilized you were hoping for better numbers… I get that. I really do. Hoping for at least one normal embryo for you, Sarah (but I REALLY want more)!

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    1. It definitely is all about expectations... and although you know deep down of the possibilities, you always want to aim high. Thanks girl :)

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  2. Cheer up beautiful! I get how it feels like a balloon deflating when the numbers keep going down like that, but that trend happens to everyone and your numbers are totally normal! 5 blasts is great! Stay hopeful. My fingers are crossed for the CCS results!

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  3. I think these are great numbers! It's hard to surpress that urge for more. I only had 4 make it to freeze and I think that turned out pretty well so far. I'm still convinced your baby is somewhere in those five.

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    1. It worked out GREAT for you! I hope you're right, thanks love.

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  4. I am so hopefully that you have a couple normal embryos in there! However, I understand the hopes of this or that and then having those hopes dashed to pieces with reality and that is hard (i'm always hoping for more embryos). Looking forward to hearing the results and in my mind you will be transferring a normal embryo or two soon :) Please I want to see this happen!!!

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  5. Oh Sarah. My heart is breaking reading this post because it reminds me of my cycle at CCRM. I still have hope for some normals to become your take home baby. But I understand that you may have a gut feeling like I did...and never shared this with anyone but I started researching egg donation while waiting for my CCS results to come back. I just knew my eggs were bad. I'm so here for you if you'd like to talk. I'd like to share something else with you offline...can you email me at dreamingofdimples at gmail dot com?

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  6. So sorry that you're having such a rough time.I had 34 eggs retrieved and only 7 made it to blast, that's normal. I hope that your biopsies come back in your favor!

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  7. Sarah, I'm so sorry for your disappointment. Even with my donor egg cycle, my donor got 15 mature eggs and we ended up with 6 blasts. So the numbers are very normal. Though I understand with everything hinges on an outcome and you want the very best. How could you not?! I'm hoping the biopsies come back so you finally get that chance to be a mom. I know how hard this has been and how long you've waited. Hang in there, friend. xoxo

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