Wednesday, July 30, 2014

the other 2ww.

So, here are my stats:
Egg retrieval = 14 eggs
We had 13 eggs fertilize.
On day 3, 11 were still truckin' along.
Now, we have 5- day 5 blasts.
These blasts were biopsied today, then frozen.

It's going to take about 2 weeks for the test results... seriously, another 2ww?! Patience is NOT my finest quality.  Whoever created that lame quote never had to wait for anything, EVER!

I won't lie, I'm bummed with this outcome. When I found out that 13 of MY eggs had fertilized, I actually cried tears of joy for the first time since this awesome trying journey began. That feeling, that's what it must feel like to see a 2nd line a HPT or get a positive beta. I'm afraid I may never have that feeling again... I realize that they didn't survive because they weren't viable. But in my mixed up way of thinking, I wanted as many blasts as possible, because I know that realistically, at least half or more will be abnormal.

There are other options if the odds don't work in our favor [which won't be the first time...]. However, depending on cost, we may have to take another year off. A year where life will go on for everyone else, and I'll be stuck on the sidelines yet again.

I'm not quite sure why I'm taking this news so badly... I knew that there was a possibility of not having ANY blastocysts today. So, I should be thankful that we have 5 to work with. But I also always look at worst case scenario... which is that none of them are normal. Which would confirm what I've felt deep in my gut all along... which is my eggs are no good.

There is some hope left, but I'm [somewhat] prepared for the worst.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

surprised. (updated)

I decided to do something yesterday that was very unlike me.

Since I started this blog, I've been so lucky to have gained not only tremendous support and kindness from you lovely ladies, but I've also formed some really wonderful friendships. However, beyond this community, not many people know what I've endured over the past 3 years. I have never wanted understanding (because no one understands unless they struggle themselves) or sympathy, so I just didn't feel the need to air my [infertile] dirty laundry.

Since I started this particular cycle of IVF, I realized that in a way, I've been hiding. I don't consider myself a strong person but I do put on a brave face on even the toughest of days.

So, I let the IG world know that infertility is my reality. I was actually quite shocked at the amount of messages and emails I received. I shed quite a few tears last night as I read through and realized how many people are pulling for us.

Although I'm not one to ask for prayers, the overflow of love and support worked. Out of 18 follicles, we got 13 eggs. THIRTEEN! I went in today thinking that 10 would suffice. Now I can't help but be hopeful that many of those 13 are mature and will fertilize tomorrow.

"Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come. Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome." 

**I guess I was way out of it yesterday after the retrieval and "13" was the doctor's first count. We actually ended up having 14 eggs, and drumroll please.... 13 of them fertilized! I'll get an update on Monday :)

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

retrieval scheduled!

My retrieval is set for Thursday. FINALLY. I have 18 follicles. This is 3 more than our last cycle of IVF. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hoping for more, but I'll take 18.

This cycle kicked my butt. I've experienced almost every side effect possible, not to mention the extreme bloating and discomfort. I just have to keep reminding myself that this is worth it.

I can't say I'm not nervous because I am. All of our embryos will be tested and then frozen. If I'm lucky enough to have at least 1 normal embryo, I'll start Lupron in prep for a transfer. Fingers crossed.

On a side note... yesterday was my...

I'm hoping this is forever!

Friday, July 11, 2014

the irony

My baseline appointment was as good as can be expected and I just got the go ahead from Dr. G. SO, stims start tonight (Follistim & Menopur). I'll go in Monday morning to check on my follies!

Have I ever mentioned how much I HATE needles?! You know, there's a little too much irony in the fact that all things fertility related require massive amounts of pricking, poking, and prodding.

When I was about 4, my pediatrician was concerned with my growth [or lack there of]. Many tests ensued and looking back, I'm not sure if there really was a "medical" concern or they just felt like torturing my mini-blonde-self (I vote the latter). Obviously I had tons of blood drawn on multiple occasions over quite a long period of time. You know what I remember? Having to be held down by more than 1 nurse, and BOTH of my parents. Hmm... I may have not been very tall (ok, I was always the shortest in every class growing up by a landslide), but man was I strong! After scarring me for life, I just ended up being petite (well duh, my mom is an inch shorter than my adult self, so it's obviously in my genes!). Fast forward to an emergency appendectomy in high school and I hyperventilated when I found out about the IV (not because they were slicing me open to remove an unimportant organ). I've almost passed out on numerous occasions after having blood drawn, and to this day, after roughly 250 needles (or more) during this super fun road to motherhood, I STILL hold my breath and often pinch myself as a distraction! Damn you needles, you all suck.

Okay follies, grow!

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

an improved outlook...

A newfound hope has come over me that has been absent for a REALLY long time. During our last IVF cycle, I was excited, but I was also very new to this crazy world of infertility. I was unaware of the measures that we could have taken, but my doctor never offered. Hell, he "had no reason to believe IVF wouldn't work". HA! I'm angry we stuck around for as long as we did, but I've spent too many of my days regretting that path and I can't change it now. With that said, I've been thinking about the major differences between this upcoming cycle and the last cycle... and maybe that's where this hope has stemmed from.
- I've been eating pretty clean since March (minus 2 weeks in Italy for which I cannot hold myself responsible for the excessive amount of gelato, pizza, wine, and pasta I consumed... and also some cheating here and there, but NOTHING like my eating habits a year and a half ago)
- I'm pumping my body full of pre-natal vitamins, as well as vitamins C, D, & E, calcium, and omega-3 fatty acids (and have been for months).
- It's summer... not the hectic time in between Thanksgiving and Christmas (not to mention I'm not surrounded by germ-infested kiddos).
... all this has to account for something, don't you think??

My desire to become a mother is deeper than it's ever been. This has to be successful... and if we don't get any viable embryos, then we'll lay all of our options out on the table and go from there. I have a lot of confidence in Dr. G, he knows I wanted to be pregnant yesterday.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

ready or not

My nurse called this past week and it looks like I have an estimated retrieval date of the 22nd. I slightly freaked out asking her to repeat that. I didn't expect things to happen so quickly. My baseline appointment is Friday, and hopefully everything looks good so we can get this party started.

It's odd how my perspective has changed in one short week. I was dreading this cycle and now I'm just ready for it to be over with. Although I don't want to fast forward to a month from now... what I do want is just one. Just one normal embryo. I won't be greedy, all I want is one. Is that too much to ask for as my birthday gift this year??