Wednesday, April 30, 2014


I called and made an appointment with our new RE a few weeks ago. Our appointment is next week. Cue the panic attacks. This has been the longest break since we started this journey, and I almost feel unprepared going into this consultation to discuss our next steps. Then I remembered all the crap I've been reading over the past few months and am feeling over-prepared [which really isn't possible at this point]. I feel almost as if I know TOO much, and have 1,000 questions. Like, after everything we've been through in these 3+ years of TTC, why have I NEVER gotten pregnant? If my lining is "normal", then wth?! Or, what happens if we go through a fresh cycle of IVF, and none of the embryos survive (we only had 4 last time, and we all know how that panned out)? Or, what if they do survive, we biopsy them all, and none of them are normal and worth transferring? Or, do we even bother with my eggs and consider donor eggs?

Despite my recent posts (and cheerful mood), I have a lot of faith invested in this RE. I have high hopes of this appointment next week, and honestly, I believe he can give us what we have been desperately wanting. So Dr. G, cut the crap and tell me what the best scenario is because the clock's ticking and the big 32 is quickly sneaking up on me AND my eggs.

In the meantime, I'm going to give a little shoutout to a fellow blogger and wonderful friend (you know who are)... for getting a long overdue victory and punching infertility in the face.
Love you girl :)

Monday, April 21, 2014

true friendship in an infertile's world is rare.

I don't know what my deal with posting is lately. I think that although this is MY space, my place to be honest and vent, and reveal my most inner thoughts, I am tired of being the downer. Looking back at my most recent posts, it seems like the only thing I want to do is punch the world [and reality] in the face (I do sometimes, but that's besides the point). Maybe the withdrawal I'm going through from not eating pasta and bread is causing me to be more cranky...

Last week, I went out to dinner with some wonderful friends. They always know how to support me... and I shared with them how this process has made me feel like I always have a bullseye on my back, like I'm always the bad guy. Despite the fact that THIS in its entirety is plain awful, I still (we still), have to deal with the repercussions of the manner in which we handle ourselves. The ignorance of others and their judgmental thinking causes such a great amount of frustration in me. Newsflash: there is no quick fix for infertility. Solutions given by those who refuse to acknowledge that infertility is a real, painful issue are unwelcome. PERIOD.

When it comes down to it, what matters most is the two of us and the people who have and continue to stand beside us.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

the dream

I've had many dreams over the past few years about being pregnant (even before we started trying), but never have I had a dream where I woke up remembering everything so vividly.
... physically feeling like I had actually given birth, holding my baby, having a conversation about feedings and diaper changes with my husband. It felt so real.

When the velocity of this dream sunk in, it was difficult to hold back tears. I don't even want to try to interpret this, and I can't help but wonder if this was more of a nightmare rather than a "dream".... because only having that moment in my deepest slumber instead of in real life is my worst nightmare.

damn you, dreams.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014


my recent absence has been due to the simple fact that I don't have much anything to say. this is ironic seeing as I often do not have a filter and not only blurt out the first thing that comes to mind, but also blog about it.

I'm stuck right now and although our next step is quickly approaching, I'm not at all optimistic. every last ounce of optimism was sucked out of me after our last FET didn't work in August. AUGUST!?! yes, August. all of last spring and summer were devoted to prepping my body for [what I thought] would end up as our first ever positive. I won't lie, I was crushed. I had changed my eating habits, starting taking vitamins and supplements, did acupuncture, tried yoga, and was in a rather positive mindset. after all of that, I received pretty much the worst 31st birthday gift I have ever gotten- a BFN.

it's difficult to describe my current standing in all this... because, quite honestly, there are days I'm so wrapped up in going through the daily motions, but then I end up at the extreme opposite of that freedom and feel suffocated by everyone else who is living the life I just can't seem to nab.

on a positive note, the countdown to Italy has officially started. thank you, Lord.