Monday, March 3, 2014

pity party- table for 1.

I think I've started to write a post just about every day over the past week, and then I just sit here and stare. I've got nothing. Nothing to report, nothing witty or interesting to share. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

This break sucks.

I really wasn't going to share, but I got my hopes up last month.

You all know what I mean…

I've been making it a point to track my cycles and thought it'd be helpful to have when we do decide to go forward with IVF again. So as each day passed that AF didn't arrive, I got my hopes up. Not a lot, not to the point where I ran to the nearest pharmacy/grocery store to stock up on HPTs, but I won't lie, there was a slight glimmer. In my last bout of rage, I told my husband we'll never be one of THOSE lucky ones. You know, the ones that spend years trying, go through countless treatments, and then SURPRISE! I mean, my cycles have NEVER been "normal" and to be honest, after we got married, I didn't take BC religiously and often forgot to take it. So, in 5 years, if we haven't been blessed by at least ONE positive, I just don't see it happening. Like ever. Yet, I still get a wave of hope [albeit small] when my unpredictable body doesn't do what I expect it to. It's stupid and stressful. Why do I do this to myself each month? Why I am so obsessed with recording every change in my body when it's useless? It's like I subconsciously enjoy torturing myself with these thoughts of "what if?".

Man, this pity party train really needs to get to its destination. I'm so consumed by the pain, resentment, and straight-out HATE of infertility, that I'm not enjoying life. I can't even remember the last time we went out to dinner with anyone besides ourselves. Infertility has become social suicide. Maybe my upcoming week of vacation will provide me with what I need right now… whatever that is…

4 comments:

  1. Make that reservation for 2. I want to join your pity party! You're so right, this has been social suicide.

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  2. I can certainly join your party. It's like you read my mind. I'm struggling these days and in such a low place. I know how emotionally draining it is and how difficult it is to join the rest of the world, especially when it seems like everyone else is happy (and fertile). Sending you lots of love.

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  3. It is good to hear from you even if you have "nothing."
    I am so sorry you are feeling this way, yet I think your feelings are pretty normal. I know the feeling of always having the slightest bit of hope each month. Why does it never go away?
    Social suicide is a perfect description of what infertility does to your social life. My husband and I have fallen into that habit of just sticking to ourselves too, but hopefully we can change that habit.
    Please know that you are not alone and I am always here if you need anyone to talk to. I hope this upcoming vacation is exactly what you need and things start to get better, easier, something good for you. I hope you can heal and find some peace. You deserve it! Thinking of you and sending you a big hug!

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