Tuesday, February 11, 2014

infertility is deep in my soul... and no more apologies.

I know I've been absent for a while… It's because I'm tired of talking about the sucky place I'm in. We've been at this for 3 years now, and although we've taken many breaks from treatments, this one is the toughest. I feel left behind and there's nothing that anyone can do about it.

Work used to be a great distraction, but I don't know if I'm just over this school year already, or if infertility has crept so deep into my soul that it's completely consumed every part of my being.

My coping mechanism has been to shut down, not talk to anyone, and pretty much become a loner. I've recently realized that this started pretty instantly after the IUIs didn't work (when there's no known reason why they didn't). I think what's impossible for the people around me to understand is I don't want to shed this darkness over your happy life and constantly talk about it. I'm not jealous of where you are, I'm just sad that I'm not there right beside you.

If I'm a bad person for not going to showers or [Lord help me] gender reveals, then I suppose I have to live with that. It's bad enough I have to deal with the crappiness of infertility, but THEN I'm a shitty friend because I am CLEARLY not emotionally stable to attend public celebrations of the one thing that I so desperately long for. How's that for a double-edged sword?

I didn't ask to be here, in this place. So, I'm not going to broadcast every step of this process. It's exhausting to be on this roller coaster. I'm allowed to feel angry, sad, down in the dumps, and every other emotion that comes with the territory. I'm entitled to do whatever it takes to preserve the little bit of happiness that does exist in my life, and if that means shutting out the rest of the world, then I'm going to do it. I'm doing my best and if my best isn't good enough, then it is what it is.

At this point in my journey, I've learned that the people in my life that truly love me, will accept this version of myself… even if that means I'm not the me I used to be…