Wednesday, January 22, 2014

who is the most deserving?

in the grand scheme of life, when I think of "deserving" individuals… it's those who work hard and are good, honest people. so, what is "working hard"? well, I'd have to say that hard work involves putting your heart and soul into whatever it is that your are working towards.

so… have you ever wondered what makes the next person more deserving to be a mother than you? well I'm going to be honest, I do. every day. every time someone else (outside of the infertility community) makes THE announcement, all I can help but wonder is, isn't the emotional and physical hell I've been through enough? no, it's not a competition. but when your losses are greater than your wins, something's gotta give. I often feel like I'm being punished for some massive thing that I cannot account for. where did I go wrong? is it because I've lost faith? is it because I've become a realist?

most days, I'm past the sadness of this crapshoot and I'm just angry. so today, I'm angry. I'm angry that I've invested my entire being and lost a part of myself to this shit… a part of my once happy self that is so far out of reach, I'm unsure I'll ever get it back...

6 comments:

  1. Entitlement is a hard thing to wrap my head around... some days I'm so frustrated by the women who get pregnant "on birth control" and drink till 12 weeks and blah, blah, blah. It's so frustrating and infuriating to play the "why her?" game. Hopeful that your happy self is not too far gone, that she'll return with a more gentle spirit for the road you've had to walk. Thinking of you!

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    1. Thanks, Amanda :) Hope you are doing well!

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  2. Oh girl, I can tell you this much: You deserve to be a mother. You've paid your days. You have every right to feel angry, pissed off, whatever! You totally deserve this. You didn't do anything; infertility is so random. It doesn't matter who you are - fat, skinny, tall, short, mean, nice, etc. It's so random, and it's so unfair.

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    1. Yah, you're right… it is random but it still doesn't make it hurt less. I'm so tired of the bitterness, but it's just so hard to get past unfairness of it all.

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  3. I ask myself these same questions every day. I constantly wonder who I will be when all of this is over. I miss my old self. I can only hope that when we do become mothers, because we will, the person we are then, will be even greater and stronger. Big hugs today. I get you.

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    1. thanks love, it's always an uphill battle, but I'm thankful I'm not alone.

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