Sunday, January 12, 2014

my life is on hold and I'm trying to be okay with it...

I have been dreading writing this post because saying it out loud makes it more real that we are putting IVF on the back burner for a while. Right now, I'm not okay with this and frankly, I hate everything at the moment.

Tidbit about me: I am a sore loser and quite the perfectionist.
I'm not the sore loser in the sense that you are probably thinking…. I'm a sore loser only when it comes to infertility. My perfectionist ways are no contest with my battle against infertility.  I am incredibly hard on myself and I really am my own worst critic. I don't accept failure well. So now, with where I am at this point in this shitty-ass journey, I'm pretty damn pissed that I have continued to fail. Every single time another pregnancy announcement is made, a piece of me breaks and I have failed again. It's the complex that has formed because of the cards I've been dealt. It sucks and normally, I do the best I can, but right now, with my many losses racked up, I feel like all of the hard work and everything I've done to be successful has been for nothing.

My time is at a standstill while everyone else is hurdling forward at a pace I'll never catch up to. It'll never not hurt… me being here, and the rest of the world embracing and enjoying life with their cute little families.

There may have been a point in time when I wanted to kick infertility's ass. Not now though… now I'm backing down and sulking away. You win infertility.

3 comments:

  1. I get this... I really do. And I haven't been through half of what you have, but I swear, if this IVF fails and any subsequent FET, I might wave the white flag. Take it easy on yourself. You've been through so much! Thinking of you!

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  2. XOXOXO big hug Sarah! I get it. I totally get it. I feel like my whole TTC journey has been 90% waiting and 10% actual trying. sucks. be nice to yourself, you deserve it. thinking of you!

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  3. Thinking of you. This is a very hard struggle. And it totally sucks. Take care of yourself!

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