Tuesday, January 28, 2014

advice needed.

I'm currently lounging on my couch, coffee in hand, and feeling quite well-rested (thanks for the ice day, Mother Nature). Then I checked my email and sitting in my inbox is an invitation to a gender reveal. Gotta love when my peaceful morning is so quickly shattered.

I'm going to give you some background here…

I worked with this [friend] for 5 years, we went to her wedding, we've gone on vacations together, our husbands are very good friends (hunt together, work out together, golf together)... you get the picture. When she told me that they were going to start trying, I lost it (obviously). So for the past year, I've been just waiting for the bomb to drop. Well, it dropped last week and the massive meltdown that ensued was the worst yet. I felt like my heart had been ripped out and stomped on by elephants. Why did it hurt so much? Maybe because, at one point, when I thought we were friends, I found out that she was criticizing how I was handling my infertility. That's not a friend. No one that pokes fun or takes what I'm going through so lightly is not someone that deserves to be a part of my life. It's amazing how outsiders have all of these "answers" to how I am supposed to handle this crapshoot, but here's the thing…. if you were in my shoes, if you could even try for a moment to walk in my shoes, are you telling me that you would handle it better? Are you telling me that you would embrace this struggle to become the one thing you've always wanted?

So now I have a decision to make. Part of me thinks that based on the type of person she is, this invite is a purposeful slap in the face. And I'll be honest, I congratulated her, but I really didn't expect being invited to (of all things) her gender reveal. I'm not really wanting to publicly celebrate this happy time in her life, while I'm not any closer to a celebration of my own. I'm not even sure I can emotionally handle it… but what would you do?

10 comments:

  1. Hmm... when I can't go to a baby shower or a gender reveal (either really can't or can't emotionally) I try to send a note either via FB or text or mail that explains what's going on... typically it's something IF related like recovering from XYZ, but sometimes I'm just super honest. I tell them I'm not in a place to publicly celebrate and while I wish them well, I don't want to bring down the festivities with my sadness/bitterness/misery. If they can't accept the honesty, tough.

    Good luck girl, it's always a tough spot!

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  2. Maybe I'm living under a rock, but people actually hold public gender reveals? Where people outside of their immediate family are invited?? All of this celebrating EVERY little step of pregnancy is getting out of control these days!

    I don't want to add fire to the flame, but I think you have every reason to believe it might have been a tiny little slap in your face. I know women who do crap like that, and it's really sad. You know she's judged you for what you're going through and has actually done so behind your back. I say, just RSVP with a "no" and that she doesn't even deserve a reason or a congratulations from you. You are obviously a better person than me, because no way in hell I'd feel I owed someone an explanation or even a head nod who'd talked behind my back and then wants me to celebrate them in return? Just because your hubby's are friends doesn't mean you have to be, and I'm sure your husband would respect your decision not to put yourself through that. ((HUGS)) for dealing with a beotch like that.

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    Replies
    1. You know, for a while, I thought I was being the bad guy for not celebrating pregnancies of others, like it was MY fault that I'm struggling with infertility. Now, as time has passed, I have quickly realized that it's not me, it's the other person. I'm doing the best with the hand I've been dealt, and if others can't accept that I'm going through a difficult time in my life, then it is what it is. I don't think people should pass judgement when they have no clue what it's like to live THIS life.
      Thanks for confirming that it's okay to not acknowledge deceitful people. Love you for being so supportive! xo

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    2. Yeah, it's unfortunate that most people really and truly do not care unless they've been through it. In all fairness, most of us would have had no clue how to approach the sensitive topic had we not gone through this either. HOWEVER, I also know there are people out there who are just inconsiderate on purpose because they are bitchy like that. I had a supervisor who did stuff to rub her pregnancies in my face, and I wasn't being paranoid. It was so obvious! It's like it was her "one up" on me or something & she knew our difficulties very clearly. Just know you're not alone in picking up that vibe from certain people. YOUR time will come and then it will be all about you! Brush it off girlfriend! Your energy is too valuable to waste on garbage like that! xo

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  3. Definitely do what is best for you. We are all different, so go with what you feel a peace about and would be best for your heart!!!

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  4. I completely ditto what Emily said. Even IF her plan is to invite every friend she's ever had to her "gender reveal party" (those are ridiculous btw and I will never have/go to one…EVER) she could have followed it up with a "wanted you to know you were included, but I understand if it's not something you can do" kinda thing. I wish all people could understand how difficult and hard infertility is on us emotionally. Protect your own well-being. You do what you can do, and it's perfectly acceptable for you to not go to something that will only hurt your heart more. xoxo

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  5. I am sorry you got that email taking away your peace. I agree with everything everyone has already said. Don't feel bad about taking care of yourself. We have plenty of difficult things to deal with with infertility, why add even more difficult things into the mix? This "friend" doesn't even sound like she deserves much consideration at this point so I hope she doesn't take too much of your peace. I know it's easier said than done though... I have the feeling one of my best friends is going to be making an announcement real soon after trying for a couple months. I have tried to put some space between our friendship because I am not too confident that I will be able to deal with it

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  6. I wouldn't go. I've skipped the last several baby showers of women I'm kind of friends with (no hard feelings towards them personally, just not up for the baby talk). I sent a gift to their home with a card congratulating them, and offered no further explanation to why I skipped the shower--your "friend' doesn't even deserve that. I'd just RSVP with "no" and forget it. I'm sorry you have to go through this!

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  7. Ummm screw it. I wouldn't go. There are times to think of others and celebrate whatever it is they're celebrating. This is not one of those times. There are times to protect your heart. This is one of those times. Ugh, these types of women wouldn't last a second in your shoes. Do you, girl. Just do you.

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  8. Oh dear I'm sorry you have a "friend" like that. Totally understand what it feels like. Unlike ur friend the person like that in my life is my brothers wife. Who by the way is expecting her 4th child. I wouldn't give her the honor of your presence. It's harsh that some people aren't happy or satisfied with their life that they have to speak about others. Take care of yourself first.

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