Tuesday, January 28, 2014

advice needed.

I'm currently lounging on my couch, coffee in hand, and feeling quite well-rested (thanks for the ice day, Mother Nature). Then I checked my email and sitting in my inbox is an invitation to a gender reveal. Gotta love when my peaceful morning is so quickly shattered.

I'm going to give you some background here…

I worked with this [friend] for 5 years, we went to her wedding, we've gone on vacations together, our husbands are very good friends (hunt together, work out together, golf together)... you get the picture. When she told me that they were going to start trying, I lost it (obviously). So for the past year, I've been just waiting for the bomb to drop. Well, it dropped last week and the massive meltdown that ensued was the worst yet. I felt like my heart had been ripped out and stomped on by elephants. Why did it hurt so much? Maybe because, at one point, when I thought we were friends, I found out that she was criticizing how I was handling my infertility. That's not a friend. No one that pokes fun or takes what I'm going through so lightly is not someone that deserves to be a part of my life. It's amazing how outsiders have all of these "answers" to how I am supposed to handle this crapshoot, but here's the thing…. if you were in my shoes, if you could even try for a moment to walk in my shoes, are you telling me that you would handle it better? Are you telling me that you would embrace this struggle to become the one thing you've always wanted?

So now I have a decision to make. Part of me thinks that based on the type of person she is, this invite is a purposeful slap in the face. And I'll be honest, I congratulated her, but I really didn't expect being invited to (of all things) her gender reveal. I'm not really wanting to publicly celebrate this happy time in her life, while I'm not any closer to a celebration of my own. I'm not even sure I can emotionally handle it… but what would you do?

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

who is the most deserving?

in the grand scheme of life, when I think of "deserving" individuals… it's those who work hard and are good, honest people. so, what is "working hard"? well, I'd have to say that hard work involves putting your heart and soul into whatever it is that your are working towards.

so… have you ever wondered what makes the next person more deserving to be a mother than you? well I'm going to be honest, I do. every day. every time someone else (outside of the infertility community) makes THE announcement, all I can help but wonder is, isn't the emotional and physical hell I've been through enough? no, it's not a competition. but when your losses are greater than your wins, something's gotta give. I often feel like I'm being punished for some massive thing that I cannot account for. where did I go wrong? is it because I've lost faith? is it because I've become a realist?

most days, I'm past the sadness of this crapshoot and I'm just angry. so today, I'm angry. I'm angry that I've invested my entire being and lost a part of myself to this shit… a part of my once happy self that is so far out of reach, I'm unsure I'll ever get it back...

Sunday, January 12, 2014

my life is on hold and I'm trying to be okay with it...

I have been dreading writing this post because saying it out loud makes it more real that we are putting IVF on the back burner for a while. Right now, I'm not okay with this and frankly, I hate everything at the moment.

Tidbit about me: I am a sore loser and quite the perfectionist.
I'm not the sore loser in the sense that you are probably thinking…. I'm a sore loser only when it comes to infertility. My perfectionist ways are no contest with my battle against infertility.  I am incredibly hard on myself and I really am my own worst critic. I don't accept failure well. So now, with where I am at this point in this shitty-ass journey, I'm pretty damn pissed that I have continued to fail. Every single time another pregnancy announcement is made, a piece of me breaks and I have failed again. It's the complex that has formed because of the cards I've been dealt. It sucks and normally, I do the best I can, but right now, with my many losses racked up, I feel like all of the hard work and everything I've done to be successful has been for nothing.

My time is at a standstill while everyone else is hurdling forward at a pace I'll never catch up to. It'll never not hurt… me being here, and the rest of the world embracing and enjoying life with their cute little families.

There may have been a point in time when I wanted to kick infertility's ass. Not now though… now I'm backing down and sulking away. You win infertility.

Monday, January 6, 2014


Have I mentioned that I LOATHE working with a staff that is 98% female? You know, I've done well lately… limiting my social media time (Facebook to be exact) in an attempt to help myself in feeling like I'm not a part of the rest of the world. Can I please ask why it's necessary to send a staff-wide email announcing a pregnancy??? Do people really need that much attention and/or recognition? To each their own, but I'm just going to say it… it's lame. So, thank you lame co-worker for ruining a perfectly good day back to work. You sure did a fine job of snapping me back into reality. Stay-at-home wife is sounding better and better…

Friday, January 3, 2014

nutrition, crazy reading, and my 2 cents…

So, with another round of IVF on the horizon, I've decided it's time to take things a little more seriously as far as preparing my body and being as healthy as possible.

I had a long convo with my cousin the other day about diet and it made me a little angry at myself. We've spent THOUSANDS of dollars on fertility related junk for almost 3 years now and although we don't eat tons of processed or fast food, I haven't taken drastic measures and changed my eating habits to help things move along in the right direction. Now, I've done my share of acupuncture, taken my vitamins & supplements, have [tried] to reduce my caffeine intake (I love my Starbucks), and we definitely aren't party animals. All that clearly isn't enough though. My last RE didn't really monitor my diet or encourage me to improve it, and that is frustrating to me.  I realize they aren't nutritionists, but I've done everything else that's been suggested in an effort to increase our chances, so although this will be a challenge given my crazy obsession with food, I really wish I would have made an effort much sooner.

And onto my little rant…
*Disclaimer: The website I'm referencing is great, the author is another infertile, and other posts I've read are really good.* 
I've read A LOT over the past few days in regards to eating habits to improve fertility and I stumbled upon this article about causes of infertility from Baby Hopeful. None of the info was new to me and the author is obviously well-informed and used various websites/her own knowledge to comprise the list of causes but then, I read this:

I realize it says "My View", but I'm still a bit aggravated. Yes, I do consider myself very lucky that I don't suffer from PCOS, endo, or the slew of other creeps that cause infertility. However, I do fall in the "unexplained" category with a rather small percentage of other women. You know what? Since the beginning, all we BOTH have done is put ourselves through an insane amount of tests to find an answer. "Saving money" on testing is not a part of my vocabulary. Hell, if I wanted to save money, I certainly wouldn't be where I am right now, 3 years later (on RE #2), would I!? I realize that when you read posts, most, if not all, of what's written is opinionated (duh, that's what my blog is- MY opinions, thoughts, and ramblings). Still, I'm just annoyed. Man, I would LOVE to know why I can't get pregnant, really… I would! And while I'm ranting… the author of "Baby Expert" clearly hasn't seen my records because last time I checked, there is SOMETHING wrong with either one or both of us considering it's 3 years later and what do ya know, no baby!

When it's all said and done, regardless of a label, isn't the end goal for everyone the same? Ok, I'm off my soapbox now.