Saturday, December 13, 2014

just call me Scrooge.

the title for this post sums up my mood lately, which is why I suck at being a good blogger.

although I could care less what I get for Christmas (which let's be honest, no one can give me, not even Santa), I do pride myself in finding the perfect gifts for my family. shopping and wrapping gifts has been oddly therapeutic.

my true holiday funk didn't really sink in until this week. sending Christmas cards has become a dreaded (and boycotted) event over the past few years. my husband insists on it, and I could give two shits. please, let me send you another Christmas card that highlights the fact that we are still not parents. you will not see the words joyful, merry and bright, the happiest season of all, or any other phrase that would express that I enjoy this time of year on our Christmas 2014 cards.

it makes me sad that I don't love Christmas like I used to. my holiday spirit may have gotten lost somewhere between the IVF failures and the [still fresh] knowledge that being pregnant is no longer in the cards for me... just a guess though.

despite the funk, my time and energy is being focused on spending time with my dear friend and her family before they pack up and begin a new chapter in China.


~I hope you all surround yourselves with the ones you love the most this holiday season~
Cheers to 2015



Tuesday, November 25, 2014

rough roads.

I won't lie, the past month has been quite rough. I'm distant and listen to about a quarter of what people say to me. My struggles are consuming me and I'm far from the sympathetic, considerate individual I was 3 years ago when this all began. At this point, there are few people who don't know that we have been unsuccessful in our attempts to have a family and for the most part, stay away from the topic at all costs... but we all slip sometimes. Although the comments are unintentional, it still stings. I suppose they will always sting. Even if we are lucky enough to become parents one day, I will embrace every waking moment because this journey to motherhood is hell on steroids.

Right now though, I'm not embracing anything.


Monday, November 3, 2014

numb.

some days (most days), I just feel numb. I've buried myself in work, cooking, cleaning, and sleeping.

now that november is here, my heart is even heavier. in 7 weeks, we'll be heading to NY for Christmas, and the anxiety has already set in. I plan on planting myself on my parent's couch and that's all I want to do... I purposely haven't been home in well over a year. there, no one either knows or respects the hell we've been through and I have zero interest in putting myself in the position to explain. no, I don't want to go see old friends. no, I don't want to go out to the bar so those same old friends can talk about their 1, 2, or more children. I can barely get through the work day without falling apart, and I sure as hell will not do so out in public.

Christmas was difficult last year, and this year will be no exception. dreading the holidays is an understatement. we're in limbo right now and although we've discussed our options (the whole 2 that we have), I want to push the fast forward button to January 1st. actually, next summer would do. now that we've spent what seems like $1,000,000 on treatments over the past 3 years (yes, I realize that is a stupid exaggeration...), we have to put this next step on hold until at least next summer (or longer if things don't work in our favor- which would be par for the course). I don't want to shop for gifts, I don't want any for myself.... I just want a baby.




Monday, October 20, 2014

are my feelings natural?

I suck at being a good blogger right now. this place I'm in... it's unreal how my world came crashing down so quickly and how terribly I'm handling it. the tears won't stop falling and now I'm getting pissed off. here's the thing... I'm not mad that our best chance of having a family is to pursue the GC route, because like I mentioned in my last post, it's always been a brief topic in our conversations... deep down, I knew it could be a possibility. honestly, I'm mad at myself right now. I can't get past the fact that I'm not going to be able to experience being pregnant. I realize what I want more is to have a family, but dammit, I didn't think I'd have to give up part of that dream already.

we have not met with Dr. G to discuss our next steps. even though it makes sense to at least try hormone therapy for the 3 months, although I'm not yet ready to accept someone else carrying our future, I think I am ready to call it quits on my own body. I've given it all I've got for the past 3 years, and I'm not sure there's much fight left in me. the emotional and physical exhaustion of infertility has hit an all time high.

I will muster up the strength and courage for whatever comes next in this never-ending journey... maybe not at the moment, but I will.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

my heart aches today.

there are many difficult parts of infertility... it's impossible to pinpoint any single one as the worst, but it quite possibly may be the toll this has taken on my husband. he's the strong one, the optimistic one, the one that picks me up after another failed cycle, the one that maps out our next steps and figures out the finances. but nothing could have prepared me for the hurt and sadness I saw on his face when he told me last night that he had talked to the doctor...

I left a message with my nurse yesterday to have Dr. G call my husband. we had a few more questions and wanted them answered before my cycle began so we would be ready to start prepping for another FET. we briefly discussed my lining issues last week at our follow-up but Dr. G was extremely hopeful still, even though my HPT had been negative.

so, Dr. G has given us two options:
1. 3 months of hormone therapy to "see" if my lining will get thicker... he wouldn't transfer either of our remaining embryos if it didn't reach at least 10 mm
2. use a gestational carrier

although we've discussed a GC in the past, the reality of knowing that I cannot carry my own child hit me harder than I expected. this long road just got much longer and I'm struggling now more than ever.

we will somehow get past this hurdle, just like we always manage to do. but right now, I feel like infertility is winning. the pain it's causing is so deep. my heart aches today.


Sunday, October 5, 2014

broken

despite the different protocol and many positive steps in what seemed to be the direction towards our dream, I'm sad to say that this time, our hard work did not pay off.

at the beginning of last week, my hope was high... I had experienced some odd symptoms that I didn't believe were associated with the progesterone. my cramps have progressively gotten worse though, and I told myself I'd wait until today- 10dp6dt. I knew before I took the test out of the wrapper.  how is it that 1 line could show up so quickly?

I feel as if my body is broken.
6 months of clomid
2 medicated/monitored IUIs
1 fresh transfer
3 FETs (2 total cycles of IVF)
...3+ years

and yet, here I am. another negative to add to the board.

my official beta isn't until Thursday... I'll call tomorrow but I know the drill- I'll still have to pump my broken body full of the estrace/progesterone and struggle through the PIO shots for 4 more days.

the deep, unadulterated sadness didn't sink in until now. my body has let me down again. I'm broken, devastated, and do not know how I'll pick myself up and try again.


Tuesday, September 30, 2014

prayer warriors needed.

My dear, dear friend Allison and her precious baby girls are in need of prayers. Pray those bundles stay put for as long as possible.
Thinking of you and sending lots of prayers, xoxo. 

Saturday, September 27, 2014

friendships change.

Now that I have embarked on another 2ww, I can honestly say I'm in a better place emotionally than I anticipated.

I've spent a great deal of time pondering the last 3 years... this journey has taught me a lot about myself and others. I'm sad to say that some of my longest friendships have suffered. These broken friendships have weighed heavily on my heart, and I've been purposefully pushed to side, thrown "away", and forgotten. That's not what friendship is about, not in my book. I could sit here and apologize.. but what would I be sorry for? I'm sorry that infertility chose me and I dealt with it the best way I possibly could? I'm sorry that I was unable to attend baby showers, gender reveal parties, etc. because it was just too much for my heart to endure? Here's the thing... I've also formed some amazing, life-long friendships over the past few years. These ladies respect the place I'm in and have shown nothing but love and support. That's all I want. I do not want understanding. I want respect. I'm sorry to say that I'm not sorry.

So, as I sit here with a little fear of the unknown, what I do know is that the outpouring of support will continue to help me brush myself off and get back up again because I am loved.



Monday, September 22, 2014

PIO is my arch nemesis.

y'all... I do not know how it's possible that I could forget how amazing these shots make my rear feel.... I limped around work today like nobody's business.

wimp is my middle name, but I'd like to think my skin has gotten a wee bit thicker over the past few years between the needles, catheters, and overall loveliness of the fertility drugs. apparently though, my back side is no contest to the awesomeness of PIO.

I didn't use ice last night, so I'll try that tonight... but I did sit on a heating pad, which clearly didn't help.

in my instructions, it says "remember that a tense muscle will increase the discomfort from the injection". no SHIT.

so excuse me while I hop on the pity party train for a few miles... I know you've all felt this form of physical pain before and you get it... but man, my strength is really being tested right now and I'm struggling.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

FET on the horizon.

by some miracle, my lining decided to plump up a bit. not much, but enough for Dr. G to schedule my transfer.

cautiously optimistic is the best way to describe my feelings about this particular FET. I wish my lining was thicker, but there's nothing that says this can't/won't work with a thin lining... especially because it's "normal". (whatever that means... I'm obviously still not convinced...)

it's been over a year since we did a transfer and I'm in an odd place right now. I'm betting that's the result of the fact that despite the crappy path that's led me here, there is some hope left.

now I'm mentally preparing for the PIO shots that are oh so fun. 

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

big thumbs down

5.14 is the best measurement Dr. G got this morning...

looks like the transfer will be pushed back a week.

my lining has always been an underachiever and I've barely reached 8 mm. it was 6.7 during my stim cycle in July and he wants a minimum of 6 before he'll give me the go ahead for the transfer.

am I surprised? no.

am I feeling a bit defeated? you bet.

*!@# you Wednesday!

Monday, September 8, 2014

exhausted

I'm now realizing that maybe the Lurpon isn't sucking the life [and all energy] outta me like I thought... it's my job.

when we transferred our last embryo at my old clinic last August, I was hoping that all those months of acupuncture and the fact that it was summer vacation would considerably help me relax. well we all know how THAT turned out.

so, now, with this transfer quickly creeping upon me, I'm wondering what my incredibly exhausted state is going to do to my body... more specifically to my uterus. high strung is my middle name... and now that I'm back at work, I'm constantly in full force.

there are many factors that will contribute to the success [or failure] of this FET... and I'm hoping the fact that we are transferring a NORMAL embryo will be the most important piece that's in our favor.

scan is Wednesday to check my lining. although there is some worry (I can't help it), I'm just ready for next week.

every ounce of my being is invested in this transfer. please God, work.

Saturday, August 30, 2014

clarity

ever since this rather long IVF cycle began back in July, I've been in a different state of mind compared to the last cycle and my other FETs. I know this is due to many factors... and although I find myself doubting the quality of my growing lining right now, I can't help but have clarity about the outcome. my protocol is hugely responsible for this, because everything Dr. G has done is different from what I've done in the past... and somehow, we've managed to get more good news than I thought possible. as much as I try to be realistic, I'm so hopeful.

the Lupron is really kicking my ass and I feel pretty crappy most days lately. maybe when I start my PIO shots, I'll forget about the hot flashes and headaches... and nausea. gross.


Sunday, August 24, 2014

lupron is the devil.

oh Lupron, you have gotten the best of me.

I'm only on day 12 but I feel like it's day 1,276. My body officially hates me. The headaches conveniently started when I went back to work this past week, which helps my productivity level immensely. This chick has no energy, which is really awesome considering I'll be teaching roughly 80 9-year olds beginning tomorrow.

The last week was hell... between the stresses that come with my job and experiencing quite a few side effects from the Lupron. I know stress isn't good right now, but I do not know how to manage it. I'm worried about this FET cycle, and to be honest, it'll be a damn miracle if it works.

scan is Wednesday... the Lupron better be doing its job.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

torn

where is my heart today? the answer is not a simple one.

the poison of infertility is ruining every piece of good news I've miraculously managed to receive over the past few weeks. the thing is, I'm TRYING to embrace it all. I'm TRYING to celebrate these little wins. I'm TRYING to be hopeful... but dammit, that stupid voice is constantly tainting my small bouts of happiness. infertility is such a bitch!

my eggs didn't betray me like I had thought they would, and now that we have 3 perfect, viable embryos, my infertility demons are trying to taunt me with ways this could all fall apart.

it's difficult to express the range of emotions I'm experiencing right now... my "veteran" status of being here for 3 years is causing me to be realistic, but yet, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't extremely hopeful.

in the meantime, I'm happy to report that I have successfully given my first 2 Lupron shots to myself. yes, and I didn't pass out. oh and I did myself the pleasure of reading all the side effects from the prescription information... cheers to headaches, general body pain, dizziness, hot flashes, loss of appetite, nausea or vomiting, trouble sleeping, or weakness.

I just have to keep reminding myself that all of this will pay off...

Monday, August 11, 2014

test results!

well folks, we have some test results. let me just say that I'm still in a little bit of shock...
- 1 embryo is abnormal: missing chromosomes 3 and 21
- 2 embryos have to be retested: the sample cells did not have any nuclei and my doctor said this can happen as they only take a small sample to begin with because they don't want to damage the embryo
- which means, if you can do some simple grade school math... we have TWO NORMAL EMBRYOS
....this all also means that we COULD potentially have between 2 and 4 viable embryos. WAIT, WHAT?!!?!?!? I mean, I am OVER THE MOON with 2, because I didn't think we'd even get ONE!

I start Lupron shots on Wednesday and one of these perfect little embryos will be transferred in September.

there's a lot of unknown still, but I fully trust that Dr. G will get us the one thing we've always wanted.

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.
- Eleanor Roosevelt 




Tuesday, August 5, 2014

not cursing this day for once.

a year ago today, August 5th, 2013, was a horrible day. my BFN from our 2nd FET put a nasty shadow on an otherwise happy day. loathing in self pity wasn't exactly how I intended spending my birthday.

I'm quite surprised that although another year has passed and we are still not parents, I'm not cursing this day like I have been since I hit 30. this day has been a nasty reminder that I'm not where I planned on being... but plans never go as we intend now, do they?

what's changed my perspective? beats me. could be the little birdie [and by birdie, I mean Allison], reminding me that my time will come. thanks girl, love you lots :)

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

the other 2ww.

So, here are my stats:
Egg retrieval = 14 eggs
We had 13 eggs fertilize.
On day 3, 11 were still truckin' along.
Now, we have 5- day 5 blasts.
These blasts were biopsied today, then frozen.

It's going to take about 2 weeks for the test results... seriously, another 2ww?! Patience is NOT my finest quality.  Whoever created that lame quote never had to wait for anything, EVER!

I won't lie, I'm bummed with this outcome. When I found out that 13 of MY eggs had fertilized, I actually cried tears of joy for the first time since this awesome trying journey began. That feeling, that's what it must feel like to see a 2nd line a HPT or get a positive beta. I'm afraid I may never have that feeling again... I realize that they didn't survive because they weren't viable. But in my mixed up way of thinking, I wanted as many blasts as possible, because I know that realistically, at least half or more will be abnormal.

There are other options if the odds don't work in our favor [which won't be the first time...]. However, depending on cost, we may have to take another year off. A year where life will go on for everyone else, and I'll be stuck on the sidelines yet again.

I'm not quite sure why I'm taking this news so badly... I knew that there was a possibility of not having ANY blastocysts today. So, I should be thankful that we have 5 to work with. But I also always look at worst case scenario... which is that none of them are normal. Which would confirm what I've felt deep in my gut all along... which is my eggs are no good.

There is some hope left, but I'm [somewhat] prepared for the worst.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

surprised. (updated)

I decided to do something yesterday that was very unlike me.

Since I started this blog, I've been so lucky to have gained not only tremendous support and kindness from you lovely ladies, but I've also formed some really wonderful friendships. However, beyond this community, not many people know what I've endured over the past 3 years. I have never wanted understanding (because no one understands unless they struggle themselves) or sympathy, so I just didn't feel the need to air my [infertile] dirty laundry.

Since I started this particular cycle of IVF, I realized that in a way, I've been hiding. I don't consider myself a strong person but I do put on a brave face on even the toughest of days.

So, I let the IG world know that infertility is my reality. I was actually quite shocked at the amount of messages and emails I received. I shed quite a few tears last night as I read through and realized how many people are pulling for us.

Although I'm not one to ask for prayers, the overflow of love and support worked. Out of 18 follicles, we got 13 eggs. THIRTEEN! I went in today thinking that 10 would suffice. Now I can't help but be hopeful that many of those 13 are mature and will fertilize tomorrow.

"Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come. Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome." 

**I guess I was way out of it yesterday after the retrieval and "13" was the doctor's first count. We actually ended up having 14 eggs, and drumroll please.... 13 of them fertilized! I'll get an update on Monday :)

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

retrieval scheduled!

My retrieval is set for Thursday. FINALLY. I have 18 follicles. This is 3 more than our last cycle of IVF. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hoping for more, but I'll take 18.

This cycle kicked my butt. I've experienced almost every side effect possible, not to mention the extreme bloating and discomfort. I just have to keep reminding myself that this is worth it.

I can't say I'm not nervous because I am. All of our embryos will be tested and then frozen. If I'm lucky enough to have at least 1 normal embryo, I'll start Lupron in prep for a transfer. Fingers crossed.

On a side note... yesterday was my...


I'm hoping this is forever!

Friday, July 11, 2014

the irony

My baseline appointment was as good as can be expected and I just got the go ahead from Dr. G. SO, stims start tonight (Follistim & Menopur). I'll go in Monday morning to check on my follies!

Have I ever mentioned how much I HATE needles?! You know, there's a little too much irony in the fact that all things fertility related require massive amounts of pricking, poking, and prodding.

When I was about 4, my pediatrician was concerned with my growth [or lack there of]. Many tests ensued and looking back, I'm not sure if there really was a "medical" concern or they just felt like torturing my mini-blonde-self (I vote the latter). Obviously I had tons of blood drawn on multiple occasions over quite a long period of time. You know what I remember? Having to be held down by more than 1 nurse, and BOTH of my parents. Hmm... I may have not been very tall (ok, I was always the shortest in every class growing up by a landslide), but man was I strong! After scarring me for life, I just ended up being petite (well duh, my mom is an inch shorter than my adult self, so it's obviously in my genes!). Fast forward to an emergency appendectomy in high school and I hyperventilated when I found out about the IV (not because they were slicing me open to remove an unimportant organ). I've almost passed out on numerous occasions after having blood drawn, and to this day, after roughly 250 needles (or more) during this super fun road to motherhood, I STILL hold my breath and often pinch myself as a distraction! Damn you needles, you all suck.

Okay follies, grow!

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

an improved outlook...

A newfound hope has come over me that has been absent for a REALLY long time. During our last IVF cycle, I was excited, but I was also very new to this crazy world of infertility. I was unaware of the measures that we could have taken, but my doctor never offered. Hell, he "had no reason to believe IVF wouldn't work". HA! I'm angry we stuck around for as long as we did, but I've spent too many of my days regretting that path and I can't change it now. With that said, I've been thinking about the major differences between this upcoming cycle and the last cycle... and maybe that's where this hope has stemmed from.
- I've been eating pretty clean since March (minus 2 weeks in Italy for which I cannot hold myself responsible for the excessive amount of gelato, pizza, wine, and pasta I consumed... and also some cheating here and there, but NOTHING like my eating habits a year and a half ago)
- I'm pumping my body full of pre-natal vitamins, as well as vitamins C, D, & E, calcium, and omega-3 fatty acids (and have been for months).
- It's summer... not the hectic time in between Thanksgiving and Christmas (not to mention I'm not surrounded by germ-infested kiddos).
... all this has to account for something, don't you think??

My desire to become a mother is deeper than it's ever been. This has to be successful... and if we don't get any viable embryos, then we'll lay all of our options out on the table and go from there. I have a lot of confidence in Dr. G, he knows I wanted to be pregnant yesterday.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

ready or not

My nurse called this past week and it looks like I have an estimated retrieval date of the 22nd. I slightly freaked out asking her to repeat that. I didn't expect things to happen so quickly. My baseline appointment is Friday, and hopefully everything looks good so we can get this party started.

It's odd how my perspective has changed in one short week. I was dreading this cycle and now I'm just ready for it to be over with. Although I don't want to fast forward to a month from now... what I do want is just one. Just one normal embryo. I won't be greedy, all I want is one. Is that too much to ask for as my birthday gift this year??

Saturday, June 28, 2014

plan h?

I don't even know which plan I'm on anymore... everything seems to meld together. As each month passes and turns into years, nothing about each of these plans surprises me anymore.

Our umpteenth consult with Dr. G was on Wednesday, and here it is... The abnormality with the embryo is not uncommon, so we are going to proceed with an egg retrieval, fertilization, pray for lots of embryos, and then have them tested [and hopefully frozen for a future FET]. There are many 'what ifs' swirling in my brain, all things we discussed with the doctor. I swear he reads my mind, because before I could ask, he said, "What if they are all abnormal?" Well, it's a damn crapshoot folks.

So, I should be all excited about this next step, right?! Well... here's the thing... I'm not. I don't have that giddy feeling that I've had with plans A-G. The IVF excitement/naivety wore off a good year ago and the knowledge of what can happen has completely jaded me. Am I grateful we have this last opportunity? Of course I am. In all honesty though, I'm dreading the daily shots [and bruising], feeling like crap, and the mood swings, because when it's all said and done, the end result may only be the knowledge that we can't make viable embryos and a lot less money for the next plan. I'm angry that I'm already thinking of the next plan. I can't help but be realistic though.

I'll be on BC for the next few weeks (business travel is conveniently prolonging this cycle) and then if all looks well, it'll all begin. I don't have my treatment plan yet, the nurse will call me with it next week.

Maybe I'll feel better about all of this once I see my calendar...

Friday, June 13, 2014

nothing is perfect.

My exceptional mood came crashing down last night... Despite the high Venice has brought on. Our last embryo is abnormal- 45 chromosomes instead of 46. Am I shocked? No. Does it still suck? Sure does. That's it for right now. I'll update after I return back to my shitty reality and we've met with Dr. G. 

Monday, June 2, 2014

we shall see.

Much to my surprise, our little frosty survived the thaw, biopsy, and is currently freezing again. The nurse called today and said the biopsy was sent out and we should have the results by the end of the week.

Although I don't want to put myself through IVF again (which, I'm being realistic here, I do think will still happen this summer), I was prepared to hear the embryo didn't survive. Now, I'm hoping it's abnormal. I know this may sound terrible, but after 3 years at this, I would really like at least ONE logical explanation as to WHY I haven't gotten pregnant.

I'm not one to be overly optimistic [or optimistic at all, ha!], but maybe this is our one shot... maybe this last embryo is our 1 normal embryo out of the 4 that we got from our last cycle of IVF. It's out of our hands now, so we shall see...


Wednesday, May 21, 2014

my person.

So after watching the Grey's season finale last week, and the birth of my bestie's gorgeous baby girl on Monday, it made me think...

Back in the fall, my best friend become distant, distracted, and I knew something was wrong. Although our friendship began a mere 5 years ago, we had an instant connection and she's been my saving grace throughout my journey with infertility- always cheering me on and supporting me in every way possible. So, when I walked into her classroom that afternoon, and found her sobbing on the floor, I knew. I've never experienced someone hurting and so sad at the possibility of losing me as a friend. In the back of my mind, I always knew that it could happen, that she could become pregnant again and we wouldn't be able to share that special time together. I never imagined that someone could be so caring, so thoughtful, and so concerned about potentially hurting me. I didn't lie, it was difficult, but she was so selfless... never making a huge announcement at work, and played it down at all costs in an attempt to not hurt me.

Even though that moment of her and I sitting on her floor will forever be engrained in my memory, it's the texts that we exchanged that night and the days following. She said I was her person, and for those of you who don't watch Grey's Anatomy, Meredith Grey and Christina Yang have been friends since the season opener, and they are each other's "person".

Well Mer, you'll always be my person. You'll be my person when we someday have to live in different states, or even continents. You'll be my person in the delivery room with me when I finally beat this battle. You'll be my person forever. No one is as honest with me, as supportive, or as hopeful for my future as you are. For that, I love you, and cannot begin to imagine what my life would be like if you weren't in it. I'll forever be grateful for our friendship.

Who's your person?


Monday, May 12, 2014

an act of kindness

Surprisingly, yesterday wasn't as dreadful of a day as it has been over the past few years since we started this journey. I took the usual measures of not going out in public to save myself the awkward interactions that would ensue if I was wished a "Happy Mother's Day" (which still, did actually happen on Saturday, but shockingly didn't bother me).

One thing did happen yesterday that proves to me how thoughtful and caring my circle of friends really are. I did take it upon myself to wish my friends who are mommies a "Happy Mother's Day", and although I never once expected anything other than "thank you" back, the following was a message that will forever be close to my heart:

"Good afternoon! I just wanted you to know that on Mother's Day I am thinking of you! I know one day you are going to get your dream of being a mom and you will be one of the best out there. I can only imagine that a day like this must be so difficult. Because of you, I will never take for granted what was given to me. I love you so much and know this will happen for you! xoxo" 

A gesture like this is beyond words, and I'm forever grateful that my mommy friends recognize and respect the place I'm in. I'm so thankful for the wonderful people in my life :)

Thursday, May 8, 2014

moving forward

Our appointment yesterday was more promising than my pessimistic self had anticipated...

- We can biopsy our one frozen embryo... if it is normal, we will refreeze (which I didn't know was even an option), and a transfer will happen after our trip to Italy- Lupron and all. (If that doesn't result in a positive beta, then we will be back to square one...)
- If the embryo isn't normal, Dr. G will look closely at the results and decide if IVF is the best option depending on any abnormalities of the embryo/my egg.
- Donor eggs aren't on the horizon just yet... I was jumping the gun. He isn't convinced that my eggs are bad...

I've had a day to process this all... and I'm not sure what I think.

What I do know is he absolutely has a realistic plan for us and is covering every base possible before we go forward with alternative options of donor eggs, a gestational carrier/surrogate, or even adoption.

I also know I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet... I'm not ready to give up on my [rather broken] body. I'm not naive and know that time isn't on my side, and this break didn't result in a pregnancy (shocking I know, considering I've been so "relaxed").

We shall see. For now, I have to focus on this last frosty and hope it can give us some answers.

Thank you ladies for your continued support and love, I couldn't do this without you. xo

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

appointment.

I called and made an appointment with our new RE a few weeks ago. Our appointment is next week. Cue the panic attacks. This has been the longest break since we started this journey, and I almost feel unprepared going into this consultation to discuss our next steps. Then I remembered all the crap I've been reading over the past few months and am feeling over-prepared [which really isn't possible at this point]. I feel almost as if I know TOO much, and have 1,000 questions. Like, after everything we've been through in these 3+ years of TTC, why have I NEVER gotten pregnant? If my lining is "normal", then wth?! Or, what happens if we go through a fresh cycle of IVF, and none of the embryos survive (we only had 4 last time, and we all know how that panned out)? Or, what if they do survive, we biopsy them all, and none of them are normal and worth transferring? Or, do we even bother with my eggs and consider donor eggs?

Despite my recent posts (and cheerful mood), I have a lot of faith invested in this RE. I have high hopes of this appointment next week, and honestly, I believe he can give us what we have been desperately wanting. So Dr. G, cut the crap and tell me what the best scenario is because the clock's ticking and the big 32 is quickly sneaking up on me AND my eggs.

In the meantime, I'm going to give a little shoutout to a fellow blogger and wonderful friend (you know who are)... for getting a long overdue victory and punching infertility in the face.
Love you girl :)


Monday, April 21, 2014

true friendship in an infertile's world is rare.

I don't know what my deal with posting is lately. I think that although this is MY space, my place to be honest and vent, and reveal my most inner thoughts, I am tired of being the downer. Looking back at my most recent posts, it seems like the only thing I want to do is punch the world [and reality] in the face (I do sometimes, but that's besides the point). Maybe the withdrawal I'm going through from not eating pasta and bread is causing me to be more cranky...

Last week, I went out to dinner with some wonderful friends. They always know how to support me... and I shared with them how this process has made me feel like I always have a bullseye on my back, like I'm always the bad guy. Despite the fact that THIS in its entirety is plain awful, I still (we still), have to deal with the repercussions of the manner in which we handle ourselves. The ignorance of others and their judgmental thinking causes such a great amount of frustration in me. Newsflash: there is no quick fix for infertility. Solutions given by those who refuse to acknowledge that infertility is a real, painful issue are unwelcome. PERIOD.

When it comes down to it, what matters most is the two of us and the people who have and continue to stand beside us.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

the dream

I've had many dreams over the past few years about being pregnant (even before we started trying), but never have I had a dream where I woke up remembering everything so vividly.
... physically feeling like I had actually given birth, holding my baby, having a conversation about feedings and diaper changes with my husband. It felt so real.

When the velocity of this dream sunk in, it was difficult to hold back tears. I don't even want to try to interpret this, and I can't help but wonder if this was more of a nightmare rather than a "dream".... because only having that moment in my deepest slumber instead of in real life is my worst nightmare.

damn you, dreams.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

absent

my recent absence has been due to the simple fact that I don't have much anything to say. this is ironic seeing as I often do not have a filter and not only blurt out the first thing that comes to mind, but also blog about it.

I'm stuck right now and although our next step is quickly approaching, I'm not at all optimistic. every last ounce of optimism was sucked out of me after our last FET didn't work in August. AUGUST!?! yes, August. all of last spring and summer were devoted to prepping my body for [what I thought] would end up as our first ever positive. I won't lie, I was crushed. I had changed my eating habits, starting taking vitamins and supplements, did acupuncture, tried yoga, and was in a rather positive mindset. after all of that, I received pretty much the worst 31st birthday gift I have ever gotten- a BFN.

it's difficult to describe my current standing in all this... because, quite honestly, there are days I'm so wrapped up in going through the daily motions, but then I end up at the extreme opposite of that freedom and feel suffocated by everyone else who is living the life I just can't seem to nab.

on a positive note, the countdown to Italy has officially started. thank you, Lord.




Monday, March 10, 2014

advice is a funny thing...

it's a known fact that advice is tricky. when asked for, you truly want someone else's opinion on how to "fix" a problem.

so here's the thing, for us infertiles, if we don't ask for advice, don't give it.

I'm linking to this post written by my fellow infertile, Amanda. she nailed it and I couldn't have said it better myself.


Saturday, March 8, 2014

3.

that's the number of years we have been trying to have a family of more than two… my heart is heavy right now. I realize that no one ever anticipates the hardships put before them. Somehow, I did know that my path to motherhood wouldn't be easy, but nothing prepared me for being here, 3 years later and nothing to show for the hell I've endured.

well, I suppose it depends on how you look at it… I have no shame when it comes to doctors and nurses- between ultrasounds, IUIs, biopsies, egg retrievals, FETs… yah, no shame. my faith has been tested and is wearing very thin. we have less money for our future family (whatever that may be). I've developed anxiety that's often unbearable.

the list could go on forever, but what's the point in tallying up all of the crap that my infertility has caused me? doing that only makes me more angry and creates a deeper level of pain.

I can't help but wonder who I will be if I don't become the ONLY thing I've dreamt about being for practically my entire life.

Monday, March 3, 2014

pity party- table for 1.

I think I've started to write a post just about every day over the past week, and then I just sit here and stare. I've got nothing. Nothing to report, nothing witty or interesting to share. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

This break sucks.

I really wasn't going to share, but I got my hopes up last month.

You all know what I mean…

I've been making it a point to track my cycles and thought it'd be helpful to have when we do decide to go forward with IVF again. So as each day passed that AF didn't arrive, I got my hopes up. Not a lot, not to the point where I ran to the nearest pharmacy/grocery store to stock up on HPTs, but I won't lie, there was a slight glimmer. In my last bout of rage, I told my husband we'll never be one of THOSE lucky ones. You know, the ones that spend years trying, go through countless treatments, and then SURPRISE! I mean, my cycles have NEVER been "normal" and to be honest, after we got married, I didn't take BC religiously and often forgot to take it. So, in 5 years, if we haven't been blessed by at least ONE positive, I just don't see it happening. Like ever. Yet, I still get a wave of hope [albeit small] when my unpredictable body doesn't do what I expect it to. It's stupid and stressful. Why do I do this to myself each month? Why I am so obsessed with recording every change in my body when it's useless? It's like I subconsciously enjoy torturing myself with these thoughts of "what if?".

Man, this pity party train really needs to get to its destination. I'm so consumed by the pain, resentment, and straight-out HATE of infertility, that I'm not enjoying life. I can't even remember the last time we went out to dinner with anyone besides ourselves. Infertility has become social suicide. Maybe my upcoming week of vacation will provide me with what I need right now… whatever that is…

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

infertility is deep in my soul... and no more apologies.

I know I've been absent for a while… It's because I'm tired of talking about the sucky place I'm in. We've been at this for 3 years now, and although we've taken many breaks from treatments, this one is the toughest. I feel left behind and there's nothing that anyone can do about it.

Work used to be a great distraction, but I don't know if I'm just over this school year already, or if infertility has crept so deep into my soul that it's completely consumed every part of my being.

My coping mechanism has been to shut down, not talk to anyone, and pretty much become a loner. I've recently realized that this started pretty instantly after the IUIs didn't work (when there's no known reason why they didn't). I think what's impossible for the people around me to understand is I don't want to shed this darkness over your happy life and constantly talk about it. I'm not jealous of where you are, I'm just sad that I'm not there right beside you.

If I'm a bad person for not going to showers or [Lord help me] gender reveals, then I suppose I have to live with that. It's bad enough I have to deal with the crappiness of infertility, but THEN I'm a shitty friend because I am CLEARLY not emotionally stable to attend public celebrations of the one thing that I so desperately long for. How's that for a double-edged sword?

I didn't ask to be here, in this place. So, I'm not going to broadcast every step of this process. It's exhausting to be on this roller coaster. I'm allowed to feel angry, sad, down in the dumps, and every other emotion that comes with the territory. I'm entitled to do whatever it takes to preserve the little bit of happiness that does exist in my life, and if that means shutting out the rest of the world, then I'm going to do it. I'm doing my best and if my best isn't good enough, then it is what it is.

At this point in my journey, I've learned that the people in my life that truly love me, will accept this version of myself… even if that means I'm not the me I used to be…




Tuesday, January 28, 2014

advice needed.

I'm currently lounging on my couch, coffee in hand, and feeling quite well-rested (thanks for the ice day, Mother Nature). Then I checked my email and sitting in my inbox is an invitation to a gender reveal. Gotta love when my peaceful morning is so quickly shattered.

I'm going to give you some background here…

I worked with this [friend] for 5 years, we went to her wedding, we've gone on vacations together, our husbands are very good friends (hunt together, work out together, golf together)... you get the picture. When she told me that they were going to start trying, I lost it (obviously). So for the past year, I've been just waiting for the bomb to drop. Well, it dropped last week and the massive meltdown that ensued was the worst yet. I felt like my heart had been ripped out and stomped on by elephants. Why did it hurt so much? Maybe because, at one point, when I thought we were friends, I found out that she was criticizing how I was handling my infertility. That's not a friend. No one that pokes fun or takes what I'm going through so lightly is not someone that deserves to be a part of my life. It's amazing how outsiders have all of these "answers" to how I am supposed to handle this crapshoot, but here's the thing…. if you were in my shoes, if you could even try for a moment to walk in my shoes, are you telling me that you would handle it better? Are you telling me that you would embrace this struggle to become the one thing you've always wanted?

So now I have a decision to make. Part of me thinks that based on the type of person she is, this invite is a purposeful slap in the face. And I'll be honest, I congratulated her, but I really didn't expect being invited to (of all things) her gender reveal. I'm not really wanting to publicly celebrate this happy time in her life, while I'm not any closer to a celebration of my own. I'm not even sure I can emotionally handle it… but what would you do?

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

who is the most deserving?

in the grand scheme of life, when I think of "deserving" individuals… it's those who work hard and are good, honest people. so, what is "working hard"? well, I'd have to say that hard work involves putting your heart and soul into whatever it is that your are working towards.

so… have you ever wondered what makes the next person more deserving to be a mother than you? well I'm going to be honest, I do. every day. every time someone else (outside of the infertility community) makes THE announcement, all I can help but wonder is, isn't the emotional and physical hell I've been through enough? no, it's not a competition. but when your losses are greater than your wins, something's gotta give. I often feel like I'm being punished for some massive thing that I cannot account for. where did I go wrong? is it because I've lost faith? is it because I've become a realist?

most days, I'm past the sadness of this crapshoot and I'm just angry. so today, I'm angry. I'm angry that I've invested my entire being and lost a part of myself to this shit… a part of my once happy self that is so far out of reach, I'm unsure I'll ever get it back...

Sunday, January 12, 2014

my life is on hold and I'm trying to be okay with it...

I have been dreading writing this post because saying it out loud makes it more real that we are putting IVF on the back burner for a while. Right now, I'm not okay with this and frankly, I hate everything at the moment.

Tidbit about me: I am a sore loser and quite the perfectionist.
I'm not the sore loser in the sense that you are probably thinking…. I'm a sore loser only when it comes to infertility. My perfectionist ways are no contest with my battle against infertility.  I am incredibly hard on myself and I really am my own worst critic. I don't accept failure well. So now, with where I am at this point in this shitty-ass journey, I'm pretty damn pissed that I have continued to fail. Every single time another pregnancy announcement is made, a piece of me breaks and I have failed again. It's the complex that has formed because of the cards I've been dealt. It sucks and normally, I do the best I can, but right now, with my many losses racked up, I feel like all of the hard work and everything I've done to be successful has been for nothing.

My time is at a standstill while everyone else is hurdling forward at a pace I'll never catch up to. It'll never not hurt… me being here, and the rest of the world embracing and enjoying life with their cute little families.

There may have been a point in time when I wanted to kick infertility's ass. Not now though… now I'm backing down and sulking away. You win infertility.

Monday, January 6, 2014

lame.

Have I mentioned that I LOATHE working with a staff that is 98% female? You know, I've done well lately… limiting my social media time (Facebook to be exact) in an attempt to help myself in feeling like I'm not a part of the rest of the world. Can I please ask why it's necessary to send a staff-wide email announcing a pregnancy??? Do people really need that much attention and/or recognition? To each their own, but I'm just going to say it… it's lame. So, thank you lame co-worker for ruining a perfectly good day back to work. You sure did a fine job of snapping me back into reality. Stay-at-home wife is sounding better and better…

Friday, January 3, 2014

nutrition, crazy reading, and my 2 cents…

So, with another round of IVF on the horizon, I've decided it's time to take things a little more seriously as far as preparing my body and being as healthy as possible.

I had a long convo with my cousin the other day about diet and it made me a little angry at myself. We've spent THOUSANDS of dollars on fertility related junk for almost 3 years now and although we don't eat tons of processed or fast food, I haven't taken drastic measures and changed my eating habits to help things move along in the right direction. Now, I've done my share of acupuncture, taken my vitamins & supplements, have [tried] to reduce my caffeine intake (I love my Starbucks), and we definitely aren't party animals. All that clearly isn't enough though. My last RE didn't really monitor my diet or encourage me to improve it, and that is frustrating to me.  I realize they aren't nutritionists, but I've done everything else that's been suggested in an effort to increase our chances, so although this will be a challenge given my crazy obsession with food, I really wish I would have made an effort much sooner.

And onto my little rant…
*Disclaimer: The website I'm referencing is great, the author is another infertile, and other posts I've read are really good.* 
I've read A LOT over the past few days in regards to eating habits to improve fertility and I stumbled upon this article about causes of infertility from Baby Hopeful. None of the info was new to me and the author is obviously well-informed and used various websites/her own knowledge to comprise the list of causes but then, I read this:


I realize it says "My View", but I'm still a bit aggravated. Yes, I do consider myself very lucky that I don't suffer from PCOS, endo, or the slew of other creeps that cause infertility. However, I do fall in the "unexplained" category with a rather small percentage of other women. You know what? Since the beginning, all we BOTH have done is put ourselves through an insane amount of tests to find an answer. "Saving money" on testing is not a part of my vocabulary. Hell, if I wanted to save money, I certainly wouldn't be where I am right now, 3 years later (on RE #2), would I!? I realize that when you read posts, most, if not all, of what's written is opinionated (duh, that's what my blog is- MY opinions, thoughts, and ramblings). Still, I'm just annoyed. Man, I would LOVE to know why I can't get pregnant, really… I would! And while I'm ranting… the author of "Baby Expert" clearly hasn't seen my records because last time I checked, there is SOMETHING wrong with either one or both of us considering it's 3 years later and what do ya know, no baby!

When it's all said and done, regardless of a label, isn't the end goal for everyone the same? Ok, I'm off my soapbox now.