Sunday, December 29, 2013

reflecting.

I've been reflecting a lot lately… on my life, on my infertility, on my friendships.

I've learned a lot  about myself this year, and even more so about others. If there is one thing I can honestly say about this journey and how its changed me, it's this…



… I'm fortunate to have an incredible support system… one that has accepted me and respected me, and hasn't forced their views or "help" upon me and my battle with infertility.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

I shouldn't be bitter…

I shouldn't be bitter…

My parents are here. We are celebrating Christmas together (for the 31st year in a row). I love them, and my husband, and our time together… and I shouldn't be bitter. But, I am.

I'm bitter because…
-every damn time I get out of my car and walk into the building my doctor's office is in, an innumerable amount of large bellied, pregnant women slap me right in the face (please explain how it's possible that an OB AND a fertility clinic are conveniently located RIGHT ACROSS FROM ONE ANOTHER on the SAME EXACT FLOOR of a 4-story building?!?!!? yah, just kick me while I'm down don't you…)
-2 more lame Facebook pregnancy announcements popped up on my newsfeed today (damn me for not  deleting my account yet, I HATE Facebook!!!!!!)
-I'm tired of "the look"…. I'm tired of being asked how I'm doing. Well, if for 1 second you could even BEGIN to walk in my rather heavy shoes, you wouldn't ask.
-this is our 6th Christmas together, our 5th anniversary is approaching, and we should have had a child by now. enough said.
-my faith is hanging by a thread… end of story.
-lately, every time I miraculously forget for .5 seconds that this infertile, childless life SUCKS, reality knocks me off my feet in the form of a complete stranger… whose belly is hanging out of her too small shirt, and she happens to be grabbing mushrooms at the same damn time I am. REALLY?!

I shouldn't be bitter, because I have a loving family and a wonderful husband.

I shouldn't be bitter, but I am.


Wednesday, December 11, 2013

support when you need it most.

You know what? I love this blogging community more than I can even put into words. It's so comforting to know that although this is MY space… and I'm entitled to vent, be angry, loathe the world (or just fertile people, just kidding), you ladies continue to provide such an amazing emotional support system- no questions asked. Yes, this Christmas is harder for me than the past few since we've been on this crazy train and Christmas in general is sucky for those of us who don't have a child to shower with gifts and celebrate with. I've always worn my heart on my sleeve and this blog is a true reflection of the emotional nutcase I am. Your emails and kind gestures help, they really do. So, thank you for supporting me and understanding that often on this journey, it's really hard to look past the here and now, which is unfortunately where I've been solidly planted for the past month. Even if I don't respond, your words bring comfort that is so desperately needed and I thank you for that.
xo

Thursday, December 5, 2013

still on the pity party train...

On my way to work this morning, I was listening to the radio as a single dad received a rather large Christmas surprise. As the segment continued, one of the radio personalities said something that struck a nerve. He said that in all his life, one thing he knows is that difficult times fall on those that can handle it, and that good things DO happen to good people.

As the 31st year of my life is quickly passing by, all I can think is, when the hell is MY time going to come? When is the good thing going to happen to ME? Because I'll be honest, I don't have much strength left in me. For a long time, I accepted that this was the hand we had been dealt and we were going to do what we needed to do...

But now, after finding out that my shitty lining is apparently "normal", our final genetic tests are clear, and neither of us have any chromosomal abnormalities, all I can say is WTF?! Why am I STILL not getting pregnant?! I guess I won't find out until January when we will start another long road of IVF and more tests will ensue. The nurse informed me yesterday that my new clinic "shuts down" for the holidays. That's flipping awesome. SUPER! I've already waited 3 years, what's another month!?

Sorry for the endless pity party I've been throwing myself… I appreciate your kind words and am thankful for you ladies who are so encouraging and thoughtful. Here's to hoping something positive can come out of this Christmas season for all of us infertiles…


Tuesday, December 3, 2013

zero holiday spirit.

I tried. I really did.

I took down my fall decorations well before Thanksgiving and had everything decked out in red, green, and white except for putting up the Christmas tree. Now that our company is gone, a very large, grey cloud is hovering over me and I have no desire to be in a cheery, holiday mood. I even started crafting again, in hopes it would somehow help me surpass the holiday blues that have replaced my love for the latter part of each year.

My sense of reality has really sunk in lately and I have been wondering what I'll make of holidays if we never have a baby. Yup- I've gone there. I'm no longer living in a fantasy world. I know the realities of IVF, of surrogacy, of adoption. I also know I will never be one of those lucky ones that miraculously gets pregnant after x amount of years of draining most of our life savings and then some.

I don't want to finish my Christmas shopping, I don't want to finish my holiday projects, and I will not be mailing Christmas cards this year… hell, I don't even want to display the dozens that will soon be rolling in because I don't need any more reminders that everyone around me is so incredibly happy with their perfect little families.

I hate this place. I hate feeling so resentful. I hate that I can't even be thankful for what I do have because of the low, awful place I'm in right now.