Sunday, November 17, 2013

something's gotta give

Sorry about the absense… I actually have found it difficult to put my intense range of emotions into something coherent, and I just couldn't bring myself to shed an ounce of a complaint about this said suckyness (yes, I know this isn't a real word, but it is now) because there has been an unfair amount of sad news in this community lately. So, in an effort to not sound too selfish, this is what I've been wanting to say….

If this EFT does NOT give us some answers and the EXCRUCIATING pain I endured for that DAMN biopsy was for NOTHING, I might strangle the next thing that enters my path. [For the record, my first biopsy was not all rainbows and butterflies, but this time around was quite painful.]

Time feels as if it's standing still at the moment. All of the "what ifs" of these expected results are causing me a serious struggle.  Best case scenario is giving me the hormones my lining isn't producing and we'll happily be on our way to IVF #2. Worst case (which is what my mind is forcing me to focus on) is either:
a. nothing shows up and we are back to square 1 with 2 failed IUIs, 1 failed fresh IVF cycle, and 2 failed FETs (not to mention 6 months on clomid before I hopped on this crazy train) and still no BFPs.
or
b. the test shows that my lining just sucks and nothing can be done to get it past the awesome 6mm that it always sits at. [I've tried everything under the sun to help with this issue… we've wasted spent lots of money on every experimental option out there.]

With the slew of tests that we have both been through since switching REs, something has gotta give. I'm not getting pregnant for a reason, I just want to know WHY. I know the answer isn't simple… nothing about this process is simple.

So, I'm going to force a smile on my face and push through the Thanksgiving holiday even though I'm preoccupied and impatiently waiting for these test results. I'm going to force myself to get past the fact that yet another holiday is passing where we can't make the long overdue announcement that my heart aches for.

Monday, November 4, 2013

genetic counselor meeting

So we met with the GC last Wednesday... I'm sure you know the scenarios... if the husband isn't a carrier, you are pretty much in the clear, but if he is... well, in our case, there's a 25% chance we have a baby that will have the genetic disorder. That's hard to swallow... 1 in 4 really is quite high [unless it's IUI stats and then 25% is just not enough...]. We will also have our future embryos biopsied if we are both carriers... well, that's hoping that we get a decent number of them from the upcoming IVF cycle. The GC was also concerned with the history of miscarriages in my family, so we decided to do chromosome testing as well. I'm so tired of all these tests... and I really wish I could see the light at the end of the [infertility] tunnel.

Now we wait for the test results. Waiting sucks. I hate waiting. I feel like that is the story of these past few years with this TTC rubbish. (I found out the EFT test results can take up to 3 weeks... seriously?!)

In the meantime, I've started the prometrium and my EFT is scheduled for next Wednesday. Have I mentioned how much I dislike biopsies?? Trying to get past the suck factor and focus on what the results will reveal... which at this point, I'm not holding my breath and have my guard up. Although I don't expect good news, you just never get used to the bad news. No matter what form it's in, it's never welcome.