Tuesday, December 3, 2013

zero holiday spirit.

I tried. I really did.

I took down my fall decorations well before Thanksgiving and had everything decked out in red, green, and white except for putting up the Christmas tree. Now that our company is gone, a very large, grey cloud is hovering over me and I have no desire to be in a cheery, holiday mood. I even started crafting again, in hopes it would somehow help me surpass the holiday blues that have replaced my love for the latter part of each year.

My sense of reality has really sunk in lately and I have been wondering what I'll make of holidays if we never have a baby. Yup- I've gone there. I'm no longer living in a fantasy world. I know the realities of IVF, of surrogacy, of adoption. I also know I will never be one of those lucky ones that miraculously gets pregnant after x amount of years of draining most of our life savings and then some.

I don't want to finish my Christmas shopping, I don't want to finish my holiday projects, and I will not be mailing Christmas cards this year… hell, I don't even want to display the dozens that will soon be rolling in because I don't need any more reminders that everyone around me is so incredibly happy with their perfect little families.

I hate this place. I hate feeling so resentful. I hate that I can't even be thankful for what I do have because of the low, awful place I'm in right now.


9 comments:

  1. I'm sorry Sarah. I drift in and out of this world. It's so hard to stay positive. And there is no need for perpetual positivity. Hope you find your way out of this bad place soon. Praying that your sticky BFP is close by. Hugs.

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  2. I hate that my absolute favorite time of year takes on this gloomy, dark shadow. I really wanted to skip the family Christmas this year... I feel like I could be happier, brighter, and more thankful with my husband away from family, gifts, etc. Alas, that won't be happening. : ( But I understand the lack of holiday spirit! I say find something that you can look forward to about the holidays... a day trip with your husband, a spa day, etc. Something that will make you happy. Take care of yourself... there's no shame in struggling during the holidays; it's all really tough time of year. Thinking of you, Sarah! Hugs!!!

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  3. Ugh, I hate infertility so much! That is an understatement. I'm so sorry it has robbed you of this special time of year. It's just not fair. :( xoxo...

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  4. I'm in that low, awful place with you. Hugs to you.

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  5. I have really been struggling this holiday season. I'm in a tough place emotionally and I completely understand how you feel. I hate the bitterness and anger that I have right now, but also, don't know how to fix it. Just wanted you to know, you aren't alone. I know we'll get through this. Sending you hugs. xoxo

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  6. Hi, I'm not sure I have commented on your blog yet but I have been following along recently. I like Amanda's plan! Christmas with just my husband away from all of the gifts, family etc. sounds like a really nice time :) That won't happen of course! I say also do something nice for yourself. Maybe if we all stick together we can get out of this holiday funk.

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  7. Oh Sarah I am so sorry! I wish I could give you a big hug! I hope something happens to help you out of this funk and you can enjoy the Christmas season. You deserve so much to be happy! Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers!

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  8. I seriously wish you lived closer to me. I would run over and give you a giant hug! I know how hard it is to stay in a happy place this time of year, and when the company and distractions aren't there it's even harder. We aren't doing Christmas cards this year either, mainly because we didn't go anywhere or take any pictures....that is how much fertility treatments have taken over. When you don't even have a single pic to put on a damn card it's depressing. Blah! I'm also dreading all the beautiful family cards rolling in. I'm just so sorry you are feeling down, but please know that you aren't alone.

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  9. It truly break my heart to see you this way. If there is anything I can do, please please let me know!

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