Saturday, December 21, 2013

I shouldn't be bitter…

I shouldn't be bitter…

My parents are here. We are celebrating Christmas together (for the 31st year in a row). I love them, and my husband, and our time together… and I shouldn't be bitter. But, I am.

I'm bitter because…
-every damn time I get out of my car and walk into the building my doctor's office is in, an innumerable amount of large bellied, pregnant women slap me right in the face (please explain how it's possible that an OB AND a fertility clinic are conveniently located RIGHT ACROSS FROM ONE ANOTHER on the SAME EXACT FLOOR of a 4-story building?!?!!? yah, just kick me while I'm down don't you…)
-2 more lame Facebook pregnancy announcements popped up on my newsfeed today (damn me for not  deleting my account yet, I HATE Facebook!!!!!!)
-I'm tired of "the look"…. I'm tired of being asked how I'm doing. Well, if for 1 second you could even BEGIN to walk in my rather heavy shoes, you wouldn't ask.
-this is our 6th Christmas together, our 5th anniversary is approaching, and we should have had a child by now. enough said.
-my faith is hanging by a thread… end of story.
-lately, every time I miraculously forget for .5 seconds that this infertile, childless life SUCKS, reality knocks me off my feet in the form of a complete stranger… whose belly is hanging out of her too small shirt, and she happens to be grabbing mushrooms at the same damn time I am. REALLY?!

I shouldn't be bitter, because I have a loving family and a wonderful husband.

I shouldn't be bitter, but I am.


6 comments:

  1. The holidays are so hard! I think having family around just makes it harder… the need to put on a good face, the inability to get away and let your guard down… it's just so hard! I'm thinking of you Sarah! Hugs sweet lady, lots of hugs!

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    1. Thank you Amanda... It's hard to embrace the positive right now despite my efforts. Hope you have a wonderful Christmas! xo

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  2. I understand the feeling! My husband and I have had this conversation of how blessed we are, so what is my problem?? I think when we are in the infertility battle it makes it much harder to appreciate some of the other blessings we may take for granted.
    I have limited my facebook time this month to avoid the pregnancy announcements especially. Its amazing how many I still see though. I have started taking out of my newsfeed anyone who is expecting or delivering a baby soon. I just don't need to be a part of that.
    II will admit, I am not excited to have my brother's 1 year old running around our house this Christmas. She is just a reminder of how much time is passing and we still aren't even close to having our own baby, but we have some nice big bills, in our attempt to have a baby, to pay off instead!
    ...and I can't stand pregnant women, so I am so sorry they are always in your face!

    My faith is very fragile at this point too. Hang in there lady! You are not alone!!!
    Thinking of you and hoping you can have a wonderful time with your beautiful family and husband!

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  3. My heart goes out to you! Praying for new revelations of the Lord's love for you this Christmas!

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  4. My heart hurts for you. I completely feel you. I am struggling with bitterness this holiday as well and I wish that I could just enjoy my friends and family, but like you said, our struggles seem to slap me in the face during every look and conversation. Just remember, there is someone else thinking about you and understanding…sending you big hugs this holiday season.

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  5. It's okay to feel angry and sad…even bitter. This is not fair. I'm so sorry you're struggling right now. Thinking of you!

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