Sunday, November 17, 2013

something's gotta give

Sorry about the absense… I actually have found it difficult to put my intense range of emotions into something coherent, and I just couldn't bring myself to shed an ounce of a complaint about this said suckyness (yes, I know this isn't a real word, but it is now) because there has been an unfair amount of sad news in this community lately. So, in an effort to not sound too selfish, this is what I've been wanting to say….

If this EFT does NOT give us some answers and the EXCRUCIATING pain I endured for that DAMN biopsy was for NOTHING, I might strangle the next thing that enters my path. [For the record, my first biopsy was not all rainbows and butterflies, but this time around was quite painful.]

Time feels as if it's standing still at the moment. All of the "what ifs" of these expected results are causing me a serious struggle.  Best case scenario is giving me the hormones my lining isn't producing and we'll happily be on our way to IVF #2. Worst case (which is what my mind is forcing me to focus on) is either:
a. nothing shows up and we are back to square 1 with 2 failed IUIs, 1 failed fresh IVF cycle, and 2 failed FETs (not to mention 6 months on clomid before I hopped on this crazy train) and still no BFPs.
or
b. the test shows that my lining just sucks and nothing can be done to get it past the awesome 6mm that it always sits at. [I've tried everything under the sun to help with this issue… we've wasted spent lots of money on every experimental option out there.]

With the slew of tests that we have both been through since switching REs, something has gotta give. I'm not getting pregnant for a reason, I just want to know WHY. I know the answer isn't simple… nothing about this process is simple.

So, I'm going to force a smile on my face and push through the Thanksgiving holiday even though I'm preoccupied and impatiently waiting for these test results. I'm going to force myself to get past the fact that yet another holiday is passing where we can't make the long overdue announcement that my heart aches for.

7 comments:

  1. You poor thing! I'm sorry to hear that biopsy hurt so badly. I wish I could give you a great big hug right now. I think you have a lot to be hopeful for though. I know it's easy to focus on all the has NOT worked, but try to remember you have a whole brand new set of eyes looking at your case now, and that alone is a huge benefit. Going forward try not to compare everything to past failures. This IS going to be different! Have faith that it will, and believe in your body, because it has the power to do something really amazing!

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    1. Thanks girl. I appreciate your advice and thoughtfulness… Things are already different with this doctor, and I have high expectations of him. Although I'm impatient, I am happy with the steps we've already taken and am hopeful. If things aren't too complicated, we are looking at the next cycle beginning right before Christmas, and I'm as ready as I'll ever be.
      Thinking of you and praying for good news! xo

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  2. Hope you are able to find peace while you wait! xoxo

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  3. Hi Sarah. I just found your blog and read this entry. I'm guessing you've probably already tried it....but I had my thickest lining ever with vaginal viagra suppositories. Since I haven't been there for your journey...you may have tried this..or already addressed it. I understand the suckiness....I'm awaiting results from FET#3....never a BFP.

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    1. I have tried them, 2 different times… the first time my cycle was cancelled, and then again in March- we started it from the very beginning and it didn't have the impact we were looking for, I obviously got a negative, and then after another failed FET in July, I decided it was time for a 2nd opinion. I've always had a relatively thin lining, and neither doctor seems too concerned with it, but I've also never had a positive pregnancy test so hopefully the EFT brings us some answers.
      I saw it worked for you- that's great!!! Fingers crossed!!

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  4. I'm new to your blog and in sorry you are experiencing this. I hope this new RE can give you some answers and get you knocked up.

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  5. So sorry you had such a hard time. I've had a lot of lining issues as well and I can certainly relate to this holiday season and the fact that we still aren't pregnant (as family members so astutely pointed out to us). Hang in there. We're going to get our day. Sending you much love today. xoxo

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