Tuesday, October 29, 2013

when is enough, enough?

I feel like this is a hasty post and I don't have all the facts yet, but I need to write in order to gain a little clarity despite the chaos that is somehow my life...

Isn't it amazing how a violent storm can completely wipe out every single ounce of sunshine?

That violent storm came in the form of a text from the doctor's office yesterday instructing me to call them for "important information". I should have known better than to call during my break.

Rewind to 3 weeks ago... when I had my first appointment at the new clinic, they recommended that I do another slew of genetic tests, assuring me that although there would be repeats of some of the previous tests I had, it would cover many things that I hadn't yet been tested for. I agreed to this, even though I had some reservations because I had thought, "what wasn't I tested for before?!". In the back of my mind, I was also thinking, does it really matter at this point?? I mean, after 3 years of actively TTC, there is little that can scare us away after everything we've already been through.

After talking to the nurse and immediately logging on to the website that has my test results (even though they aren't "released" yet), this is what I know...
-I am a carrier for a genetic disease that I didn't even know existed
-In a nutshell, it impairs the body's ability to make cholesterol which can result in mental disability, behavioral problems, and birth defects
-My husband has to go through the genetic testing again, just like I did

The nurse told me that my doctor would like us to see a genetic counselor, of which I called as soon as I got off the phone with the nurse and scheduled an appointment for tomorrow.

When is enough, enough?! I don't understand... how is it that we endure so much heartache and disappointment, only to turn around and keep trying... but yet something always seems to stand in the way of what we long for?

I feel like my strength is slowly crumbling. I sat at my computer and had a massive breakdown after I read about this "disease" that I could potentially pass on to my future baby. I honestly still can't wrap my mind around it and am not sure I will even after our meeting with the genetic counselor.

It's so difficult to be positive when negative thoughts are pretty much forcing me down :-/

5 comments:

  1. I am sorry that you didn't receive encouraging news. I pray that you will be guided and directed and find the answers and peace your deserve. Hang in there! Hugs!

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  2. The longer you're on this path, the more you find that's wrong with you eh? Try not to freak out too badly. So many people who do genetic testing find something and are referred to the counselor. Turns out my hubby is a carrier for CF and we are both carriers for hereditary hemochromotosis, and I have MTHFR as well. At the end of the day, the fact that you carry this disease may affect absolutely nothing, but info. is good no matter what so you know your choices and the best game plan. GL at the counselor today. I hope she has some helpful info. for you!

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  3. Praying you cling to Jesus!!!! He is SO much bigger then anything and everything the doctors say. Hugs and praying for you! Let me know if you need anything

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  4. Oh my gosh, Sarah. :( I'm so, so sorry to read this. You're right. When is enough enough? I hope your meeting with the genetic counselor is only uplifting and encouraging. You deserve it.

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  5. Oh Sarah, I'm so sorry. I completely understand the "enough is enough". Hopefully with this new knowledge your doctor can come up with a plan and give you some encouragement. Big hugs to you.

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