Tuesday, October 29, 2013

when is enough, enough?

I feel like this is a hasty post and I don't have all the facts yet, but I need to write in order to gain a little clarity despite the chaos that is somehow my life...

Isn't it amazing how a violent storm can completely wipe out every single ounce of sunshine?

That violent storm came in the form of a text from the doctor's office yesterday instructing me to call them for "important information". I should have known better than to call during my break.

Rewind to 3 weeks ago... when I had my first appointment at the new clinic, they recommended that I do another slew of genetic tests, assuring me that although there would be repeats of some of the previous tests I had, it would cover many things that I hadn't yet been tested for. I agreed to this, even though I had some reservations because I had thought, "what wasn't I tested for before?!". In the back of my mind, I was also thinking, does it really matter at this point?? I mean, after 3 years of actively TTC, there is little that can scare us away after everything we've already been through.

After talking to the nurse and immediately logging on to the website that has my test results (even though they aren't "released" yet), this is what I know...
-I am a carrier for a genetic disease that I didn't even know existed
-In a nutshell, it impairs the body's ability to make cholesterol which can result in mental disability, behavioral problems, and birth defects
-My husband has to go through the genetic testing again, just like I did

The nurse told me that my doctor would like us to see a genetic counselor, of which I called as soon as I got off the phone with the nurse and scheduled an appointment for tomorrow.

When is enough, enough?! I don't understand... how is it that we endure so much heartache and disappointment, only to turn around and keep trying... but yet something always seems to stand in the way of what we long for?

I feel like my strength is slowly crumbling. I sat at my computer and had a massive breakdown after I read about this "disease" that I could potentially pass on to my future baby. I honestly still can't wrap my mind around it and am not sure I will even after our meeting with the genetic counselor.

It's so difficult to be positive when negative thoughts are pretty much forcing me down :-/

Sunday, October 27, 2013

this, too, shall pass.

You know what I like most about such things as the "Sunshine Award"? They allow you to take a step back and think of all the things in life that DO make you happy. It's a brief escape from the reality of infertility... and it was nice while it lasted... 

but the truth is I can't seem to get past the fact that a year ago, we were starting a fresh IVF cycle, and I was so incredibly hopeful that it would work (despite a convo with a "friend" who happens to be a delivery nurse and she proceeded to tell me that it never works the first time, or the 2nd or 3rd for that matter- in which I just sat there and didn't tell her what I REALLY thought of her senseless words). I hate feeling like every step I take in the right direction, something gets in the way and sends me 1,000 steps backwards- whether it's another emotional breakdown, or a stupidly THIN uterine lining. Yup- after 2 weeks on estradiol, my awesome lining is barely 6 mm. Cue in another week of FOUR blue pills a day. Honestly, I didn't think it'd actually be any thicker than the dozen + other times I've taken it. I just can't seem to accept that it's the only reason why I haven't been able to see those 2 lines on a HPT. Something's gotta give... and I realize that my new RE has to start somewhere... apparently my ovarian reserve is really good, and if we've always had good quality embryos, he has to begin with my awesome crappy lining.

This storm will pass, it's just one of those days... 

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

A little sunshine!

Wow, can I please just say that I'm really excited that Jessah, over at Dreaming of Dimples, and Suzanne, over at Our Journey to a Baby Bump, nominated yours truly for the Sunshine Award?! 

I promise I haven't ignored y'all... the past couple weeks have been really emotionally draining and I'm trying to keep my head above water. I've decided to combine your questions and answer as many as I can without writing a novel ;)

The rules for the sunshine award are as follows: 

1. Include the Sunshine Award icon in your post (copying Jessah on this one :))
2. Link to the person who nominated you (links above)
3. Answer 10 questions about yourself 
4. Nominate 10 bloggers to receive the award (
it appears that I'm the straggler on this one... and all of my fave ladies have been nominated. So I'll spare you of having to answer another round of questions. Love y'all- thanks for your kindness and friendship, I appreciate your support more than you'll ever know.)

Jessah's Questions:
What do you do for work (always curious to know what everyone does all day long)?
I'm a 4th grade teacher. It's a fun age to be around and they provide me with much needed comic relief on a daily basis. 

What is your favorite quote?
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.
       - Eleanor Roosevelt
It's on a sticky note that's always been on my desktop... since well before infertility knocked on my door. 

What is the item of clothing you want to buy most for this fall season?
Another pair of riding boots... I just can't have enough shoes!

What is a great book that you've read recently?
I won't bore you with the laundry list of children's books I read aloud to my class... but I did read The Fault in Our Stars by John Green over the summer (let's be real, although I am a reading teacher and obviously have a love for it, I would rather sleep than read at night!). I cried so hard at the end of the book, I think the person sitting beside me on the plane ride home from NY had to think I was seriously disturbed! 

What is your middle name?
Marie. Same as my mama's :)

Tell me a secret (about anything).
I write a lot more posts than I publish. Sometimes I just need to ramble, and then I feel a little bit of relief from this crazy train!

Suzanne's Questions:
Was there a particular moment in your infertility journey that made you realize that you wanted/needed to start blogging? Yes... and it came after a coworker of mine shared with me that her daughter's friend was going through similar struggles as myself. She emailed me the link to her blog and I oddly felt a sense of relief... it was comforting to know that although I felt very alone, there were other women living through the same thing as I was.

What is your favorite vacation spot ever?
Well I'm going to just guess that this will change after our trip to Italy in June, but since I was 6, my parents have always gone on a beach vacation somewhere on the east coast. My favorite spot of all time is Topsail Island, North Carolina. It's a lot different than it used to be, and it's gotten very tourist-y over the past years, but I have many fond memories of those vacations and love my parents for continuing the tradition that I someday hope to pass on to my own children. 

If you could spend a day with anyone (dead or alive) who would it be? Why? What would you do? 
That's so easy... my grandma. We lost her to cancer 9 years ago this Thanksgiving. She was a fighter, a true survivor, and she was taken far too soon. I was in college when she passed away so she never met my hubby and wasn't around when we got married- she actually never got to see any of her grandchildren walk down the aisle, and that makes me so sad. Her life was very different than the path I'm on (she raised 10 kids!)... but I feel her presence at some of my weakest moments. I would want to do the things I most often think about... baking in her kitchen, painting, eating her wonderful cooking... simple, yet they are the memories I cherish every day. 

What is the best part of blogging your IF journey?
The endless support and well wishes from my fellow bloggers. Let's face it, it's not a journey any of us planned on... but it's certainly much easier when you aren't alone. 

Hope I'm not breaking the rules too badly by not re-nominating!! 

Sunday, October 13, 2013


Endometrial Function Test... this is the plan since Dr. G didn't find any surprises at my appointment on Wednesday. I began the [super fun] green estrace pills and my dosage will slowly increase to 3 pills a day for 2 weeks, then I'll go back for an ultrasound to check my lining. If it's thickening like he is expecting, I'll begin progesterone and he'll schedule the EFT.  Although I've had a biopsy, this test can diagnose endometrial defects. There's a reason why I haven't been able to get pregnant... I sure hope this gives us some answers.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

thank you.

I just wanted to thank you ladies who take the time to not only read my [often] "woe is me" posts... but for also sending along your well wishes and words of encouragement. You make me feel like I'm not alone, and that my friends, is really big.

Also... baseline appointment with my new RE tomorrow. Let's hope for good news so I can start this test cycle and get some answers.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

it's just not fair...

I'm pulling the "fair" card today. I'm in that low, painful place that yanks at my heartstrings. It's just not fair... that I have to put on a brave face each day when another person asks how I'm doing, or when a student asks if I have my own children, or when another pregnancy is announced and a coworker is becoming a grandmother (again), or when I have to celebrate the pregnancy of a member of my team and have to hold myself together until it's absolutely unbearable and then have to excuse myself from the joy that everyone else is sharing. It's not fair that yet another holiday season is approaching, and we are able to have company stay in our home because the room that's supposed to be a nursery is empty. It's not fair that as each day passes, I feel more and more distanced from the people I care about most because their lives are moving forward like they are supposed to. Today, I'm questioning how this can be real, because the hurt and pain that infertility has brought me is just not fair.