Monday, September 16, 2013

IVF does not buy happiness

do you remember when... you were a little girl playing with your dolls? you dressed them up and wrapped them in blankets, and you cradled and cuddled with them all the while pretending they were real.

yah me too, except that day is still so far out of reach. 

I don't know how to balance this weight and continue pretending that it doesn't hurt... but one thing I do know is I cannot allow myself to run in circles with no end in sight anymore.

putting IVF on the back burner has been excruciatingly difficult to accept... however what's harder is accepting that everything in my life has been put on hold for the past 2 years. It's exhausting living around doctor's appointments, shots, hormonal breakdowns, feeling defeated, you get my drift here. it's not that I don't want to have my perfect little family, it's just that every ounce of energy that I've put into this process has stolen a piece of me that I can't get back. Picking up the pieces after falling apart has almost become more than I can bear. I've lost sight of what life is truly about and although there's nothing I want more than a baby, what I want most is to be happy. [even though everything always tends to spin back around to the whole baby thing, blah.]

back when I was naive, I thought IVF was the surefire answer... that even though it wasn't a 100% guarantee (ha! we all know it's MUCH less than that!), it was going to get me the one thing I've wanted since those childhood days of cradling baby dolls.

at some point, you can't help but wonder when will this all be worth it?... when will my every decision stop being whether or not I should continue pushing forward through the hell of IVF and start being what color the nursery will be painted?

living in this infertile world really bites, you know???


5 comments:

  1. Belle Haven Drive: Sarah, bless your heart. :( I know EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL, and I'm sooo sorry you are feeling this way/going through this hell. And - standing where you are now - it IS hard to be "happy" and "live your life" when all you want is a BABY! For goodness sake, that's all we've wanted for years; we have given up sooo much to have a baby ... and still ... no baby. I thought IVF was the answer. I thought it was enough. I mean, come on, it's IVF. Ugh, just know that I'm so sorry you're in this place. You are in my thoughts/prayers.

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  2. Yep, I do know. ((HUGS)) girl. We have actually even considered switching back to IUI if IVF doesn't work. I mean, we at least got closer to our goal with our second IUI, even if it did end in suspected ectopic. Not sure how much longer our bank account or hearts can endure IVF.

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  3. I hope you can find peace and are able to still enjoy all the blessing you have despite the fact that you are not a mom yet - thinking about you!

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  4. I just found your blog and I want you to know that I am praying for you and that God helps you find peace in your heart. I am here for you and wish I could give you a hug!!

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