Saturday, September 28, 2013


it's funny.... how your mind can play tricks on you, isn't it? how your constant thoughts somehow force their way into the dreams that you have at night? what is the purpose of these dreams when, based on every day up to now, they haven't found their way into "real life"?

obviously, I had a dream about being pregnant, for probably the thousandth time.

dreams are cruel.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

I can't do this, but I'm doing it anyway.

I have to say, I wasn't expecting to feel so, "okay" with taking this break. I'm smiling more, I actually laugh, and I feel less anxious. Man, infertility really BITES. It sucks the life right out of you. I absolutely LOATHE the fact that it's taken so much of me over the past few years. I have to let it go though, and all I can do is move forward (honestly, what other choice is there?). I'm not saying that I don't have my bad days, I'm not saying that the Facebook 'pregnancy' announcements don't sting, and I'm definitely not saying that constantly being reminded [on a daily basis] that I'm not pregnant isn't painful... but we're only in this life once, and it truly is a choice to either make the best of it, or let this whole darn thing swallow you up whole.

This newfound positivity may not last long, especially with the holidays right around the corner... but I will say, I'm enjoying being a wife and partner to my husband right now. I'm enjoying planning our romantic 5-year anniversary trip to ITALY! There's just so much more to life than IVF... and I'm tired of living my life around it.

So on that note...

Monday, September 16, 2013

IVF does not buy happiness

do you remember when... you were a little girl playing with your dolls? you dressed them up and wrapped them in blankets, and you cradled and cuddled with them all the while pretending they were real.

yah me too, except that day is still so far out of reach. 

I don't know how to balance this weight and continue pretending that it doesn't hurt... but one thing I do know is I cannot allow myself to run in circles with no end in sight anymore.

putting IVF on the back burner has been excruciatingly difficult to accept... however what's harder is accepting that everything in my life has been put on hold for the past 2 years. It's exhausting living around doctor's appointments, shots, hormonal breakdowns, feeling defeated, you get my drift here. it's not that I don't want to have my perfect little family, it's just that every ounce of energy that I've put into this process has stolen a piece of me that I can't get back. Picking up the pieces after falling apart has almost become more than I can bear. I've lost sight of what life is truly about and although there's nothing I want more than a baby, what I want most is to be happy. [even though everything always tends to spin back around to the whole baby thing, blah.]

back when I was naive, I thought IVF was the surefire answer... that even though it wasn't a 100% guarantee (ha! we all know it's MUCH less than that!), it was going to get me the one thing I've wanted since those childhood days of cradling baby dolls.

at some point, you can't help but wonder when will this all be worth it?... when will my every decision stop being whether or not I should continue pushing forward through the hell of IVF and start being what color the nursery will be painted?

living in this infertile world really bites, you know???

Saturday, September 7, 2013

infertility bipolarism(?), some retail therapy & finding peace

does infertility bipolarism (not sure if that's even a real word...) exist?
*I fully acknowledge that having bipolar disorder is very serious and I'm in no way poking fun at the disorder or those who suffer from it.

I mean, one minute I feel at peace with the decision to take a month off from the craziness that another cycle brings, and then the next I'm bawling my darn eyes out wishing that ANOTHER month wasn't separating me and my future. seriously though?! these back and forth emotions are for the birds! (or the owl that was HOOTING outside my window for a good 2 hours last night, keeping me wide awake, and most likely the cause of my AWESOME mood today).

on a [happy] side note, I got my first Stitch Fix box in the mail yesterday (thanks to Jessah over at Dreaming of Dimples). this could get me into SERIOUS trouble! my petite figure makes it rather challenging to find clothes that fit me without making me look like the 9 year olds I teach. I'll admit, I didn't LOVE the tops that my stylist sent, but, she did hit the nail on the head with another item.

I found this beauty on Pinterest a few weeks ago and part of your Style File is providing any additional information (i.e. links to boards on Pinterest) that will help your stylist find the best items that match you and your style.

so, I was pleasantly surprised when THIS was at the bottom of my box! 

I'm floored that it actually fits me quite perfectly! yay for Liz and finding this for me!! 

now I'm going to go take some time for me... get a mani/pedi... finish searching for the few fall decor items on my list... and hopefully find the peace that oh so quickly disappeared after I got off the phone with the nurse yesterday, solidifying my decision to wait, again.