Monday, August 5, 2013

tired.

Well, FET #3 is another bust. I obviously knew this already... between the spotting and cramping, I just knew.

I thought that by my improved outlook and restored hope that this would actually work. Even in my negative thought moments, I had forced myself to look ahead at what is next for us in this process, not shedding a single tear. I caved though, it was only a matter of time until it hit me. (Which is quite apparent based on this post.) You never get used to this. You never get used to feeling empty or angry or frustrated. I'm so tired of being here, in this place of despair. I'm tired of spending our savings on these damn treatments that AREN'T working!!!!!! I'm tired of being poked and prodded and pumping my body full of hormones. I'm tired of being left behind when everyone else in my life has started their own families. I'm tired of begging God to grant me the ONE thing I've truly ever wanted. Every time we get a negative result, I just want one thing. I want to understand why. Why me? Why us? I realize I may never know the answer, but I can't help but wonder...

The devastation of this failed attempt is hitting me the hardest, mainly because this isn't what I had wanted for this day. Today is my birthday and it's MY day. It's supposed to be a celebration. But, here I am... emotionally drained, red eyed, and with a pile of tissues beside me, defeated yet again.

I don't know what's next. I wish I had something meaningful to end with... but I'm tired.

3 comments:

  1. So sorry to read this Sarah! Praying for you sweet girl!!!

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  2. So sorry. This is BS. Praying for comfort for you.

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  3. So, so sorry, Sarah! Ughh! And on your birthday too! I'm so sorry! I hate that you're going through this. Praying that with time, He will reveal the "why" and bring you your one thing. Hugs, my friend, lots and lots of hugs!

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