Monday, August 12, 2013

struggling

I'm apologizing in advance because this post is going to be all over the place...

After a serious low point, I've forced myself to crawl out of the dark hole I've been living in for the past week. I have to say, I was more than frustrated and sad that this last transfer didn't work. I was angry. I was angry because not only have we devoted the past 2+ years to this process, and have pushed REAL living to the side, but I spent the entire summer investing every ounce of my being into this transfer. Instead of taking some time to travel and enjoy each other, this summer was planned around doctor's appointments, the transfer, and another 2ww. My first day of summer was spent having a biopsy and pretty much my last day will be spent getting a second opinion from another RE. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted, and to be truthful, I'm struggling. Usually, I'm energized by this point in the summer and ready to dive right in to the upcoming school-year. Right now though, I'm dreading going back to work. The anxiety I am feeling is two-fold. One, I work with a staff that is 95% female. So, at the opening of every school-year, the announcements come rolling in. I already feel sick just thinking about it. Secondly, one of my new teammates is pregnant and it's going to be a daily reminder that I'm not. 

So, here I sit. One week away from having to force a smile on my face and TRY not to fall apart in the middle of my staff development. I feel like infertility is winning right now. I don't like feeling this way. And honestly, I'm tired of living my life around cycles and treatments. I'm not quite sure what's next. After meeting with our current RE last week, we left feeling confused and unsure. I hope the new RE can shed some light and restore my confidence in IVF. Regardless of what route we decide to take, another IVF cycle must happen... whether we do the transfer in me or a gestational carrier is unknown right now. I do know we have to take a break. Between my work schedule over the next couple of months and getting a handle on our finances, we have to take a step back... 


3 comments:

  1. Belle Haven Drive here. My heart hurts for you. I hate infertility sooo much. I am sooo sorry it has stolen your summer. :( Ugh, infertility is SO selfish! Praying for you, girl.

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  2. Thinking about you girl!! Praying for energy and peace as you start staff development!

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  3. Oh Sarah. I'm so sorry for your struggle and pain. I've been low lately myself so I get it. It's so not fair.Thinking about you and sending hugs!

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