Friday, August 2, 2013

hope

**disclaimer: I'm downright depressed and feeling defeated right now... so please excuse the pity party and lashing out **

the definition of hope [transitive verb]:
to desire with expectation of obtainment and to expect with confidence

hmm. that's pretty accurate. for the past 2.5 years, I have expected to become pregnant each and every time I a. completed a cycle with clomid, b. had 1 of 2 IUIs, c. completed IVF, and went through 3 FETs, or d. thought by some miracle that it would just happen.

what's not accurate is that I have been confident every step of the way. my best friend jokingly labeled me as "negative nelly", which is quite fitting to my overly pessimistic outlook. the truth is, at one point, I was confident. I was robbed of that confidence a year ago when I hit my 30th birthday. at that point, I knew our odds would drastically decrease because of my age alone, then add that to being labeled with "unexplained infertility" and easy was no longer a part of my vocabulary.

I read 2 posts this morning, and what I took away from these posts is this: we I feel entitled. entitled to what? well, the "perfect" life, that's what. no one has a "perfect" life, I know this. are we grateful for what we have though? yes. has it always been easy? hell no. however, the natural progression of life after marriage is starting a family [at least in my world it is]. and I have always felt entitled to this aspect of life. why though? am I more deserving than the next infertile person? no. am I more deserving than the people over in Pakistan that are receiving BABIES AS PRIZES ON A GAME SHOW? DAMN STRAIGHT I AM! (my level of disgust is massive on this topic, I'll spare you my rant...)

so, what I want to know is what's the purpose in all of this? obviously, in the beginning, the purpose was to have a baby and we'd do whatever it took, but it just doesn't seem that simple anymore. what is the purpose of spending all this money and shooting myself up with hormones if we are back at the same exact place we started?? because I can tell you one thing, I've lost hope. that may be extreme, but if I'm focusing on the definitions above, it's hard to expect a baby when you get another negative test and it's difficult to have confidence when everyone around me is a hell of a lot more fertile than I am.

I feel like I'm being punk'd every.day.of.my.life. when is Ashton going to jump outta the bushes and tell me it's all a joke?

2 comments:

  1. Hope is so hard... it's such a hard thing to hold on to hope and yet protect your heart. I've often said that I've given up hope, but obviosuly I haven't, or I'd have quit trying. I think the more accurate answer is that I've quit hoping in any one procedure, any one cycle and just generally hoping for a future.

    Hoping for you and in the trenches with you today!

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