Friday, August 30, 2013

Infertility Etiquette

Wow, 2 posts in 2 days after a [brief] hiatus... this is an important one though...

Infertility Etiquette
Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
  • They will eventually conceive a baby.
  • They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
  • They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.
Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is a method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.
Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? 
Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lessen the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.
Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.
Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

here [kinda]

Going back to work has really kicked my butt. I'm exhausted. Problem is, my mind is constantly in overdrive so sleep doesn't come very easily.

I've done a pretty good job of picking up the pieces and moving forward since my last post [except when I am laying wide awake at 2am and can only think about the obvious].

I'm trying to be optimistic now that we have a new RE... but this is difficult when I don't even have time in the day to return his calls to find out what he "came across" after reviewing my records. *sigh*

So... I'm here, kinda... just trying to stay afloat and keep away the nasty infertility demons :/

Monday, August 12, 2013


I'm apologizing in advance because this post is going to be all over the place...

After a serious low point, I've forced myself to crawl out of the dark hole I've been living in for the past week. I have to say, I was more than frustrated and sad that this last transfer didn't work. I was angry. I was angry because not only have we devoted the past 2+ years to this process, and have pushed REAL living to the side, but I spent the entire summer investing every ounce of my being into this transfer. Instead of taking some time to travel and enjoy each other, this summer was planned around doctor's appointments, the transfer, and another 2ww. My first day of summer was spent having a biopsy and pretty much my last day will be spent getting a second opinion from another RE. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted, and to be truthful, I'm struggling. Usually, I'm energized by this point in the summer and ready to dive right in to the upcoming school-year. Right now though, I'm dreading going back to work. The anxiety I am feeling is two-fold. One, I work with a staff that is 95% female. So, at the opening of every school-year, the announcements come rolling in. I already feel sick just thinking about it. Secondly, one of my new teammates is pregnant and it's going to be a daily reminder that I'm not. 

So, here I sit. One week away from having to force a smile on my face and TRY not to fall apart in the middle of my staff development. I feel like infertility is winning right now. I don't like feeling this way. And honestly, I'm tired of living my life around cycles and treatments. I'm not quite sure what's next. After meeting with our current RE last week, we left feeling confused and unsure. I hope the new RE can shed some light and restore my confidence in IVF. Regardless of what route we decide to take, another IVF cycle must happen... whether we do the transfer in me or a gestational carrier is unknown right now. I do know we have to take a break. Between my work schedule over the next couple of months and getting a handle on our finances, we have to take a step back... 

Monday, August 5, 2013


Well, FET #3 is another bust. I obviously knew this already... between the spotting and cramping, I just knew.

I thought that by my improved outlook and restored hope that this would actually work. Even in my negative thought moments, I had forced myself to look ahead at what is next for us in this process, not shedding a single tear. I caved though, it was only a matter of time until it hit me. (Which is quite apparent based on this post.) You never get used to this. You never get used to feeling empty or angry or frustrated. I'm so tired of being here, in this place of despair. I'm tired of spending our savings on these damn treatments that AREN'T working!!!!!! I'm tired of being poked and prodded and pumping my body full of hormones. I'm tired of being left behind when everyone else in my life has started their own families. I'm tired of begging God to grant me the ONE thing I've truly ever wanted. Every time we get a negative result, I just want one thing. I want to understand why. Why me? Why us? I realize I may never know the answer, but I can't help but wonder...

The devastation of this failed attempt is hitting me the hardest, mainly because this isn't what I had wanted for this day. Today is my birthday and it's MY day. It's supposed to be a celebration. But, here I am... emotionally drained, red eyed, and with a pile of tissues beside me, defeated yet again.

I don't know what's next. I wish I had something meaningful to end with... but I'm tired.

Friday, August 2, 2013


**disclaimer: I'm downright depressed and feeling defeated right now... so please excuse the pity party and lashing out **

the definition of hope [transitive verb]:
to desire with expectation of obtainment and to expect with confidence

hmm. that's pretty accurate. for the past 2.5 years, I have expected to become pregnant each and every time I a. completed a cycle with clomid, b. had 1 of 2 IUIs, c. completed IVF, and went through 3 FETs, or d. thought by some miracle that it would just happen.

what's not accurate is that I have been confident every step of the way. my best friend jokingly labeled me as "negative nelly", which is quite fitting to my overly pessimistic outlook. the truth is, at one point, I was confident. I was robbed of that confidence a year ago when I hit my 30th birthday. at that point, I knew our odds would drastically decrease because of my age alone, then add that to being labeled with "unexplained infertility" and easy was no longer a part of my vocabulary.

I read 2 posts this morning, and what I took away from these posts is this: we I feel entitled. entitled to what? well, the "perfect" life, that's what. no one has a "perfect" life, I know this. are we grateful for what we have though? yes. has it always been easy? hell no. however, the natural progression of life after marriage is starting a family [at least in my world it is]. and I have always felt entitled to this aspect of life. why though? am I more deserving than the next infertile person? no. am I more deserving than the people over in Pakistan that are receiving BABIES AS PRIZES ON A GAME SHOW? DAMN STRAIGHT I AM! (my level of disgust is massive on this topic, I'll spare you my rant...)

so, what I want to know is what's the purpose in all of this? obviously, in the beginning, the purpose was to have a baby and we'd do whatever it took, but it just doesn't seem that simple anymore. what is the purpose of spending all this money and shooting myself up with hormones if we are back at the same exact place we started?? because I can tell you one thing, I've lost hope. that may be extreme, but if I'm focusing on the definitions above, it's hard to expect a baby when you get another negative test and it's difficult to have confidence when everyone around me is a hell of a lot more fertile than I am.

I feel like I'm being punk'd when is Ashton going to jump outta the bushes and tell me it's all a joke?