Tuesday, July 2, 2013

good conversation

Oops, how did the weekend get away from me?! I had a long conversation with my mom Friday morning. It's taken me well over a year into this process to accept that this is the path we are on, whether I like it or not. It also took 6 months of Clomid (before seeking the help of a fertility specialist), 2 IUIs, a complete IVF cycle, and 1 FET to actually talk about this journey without breaking down into uncontrollable sobs. With that said, I've been pretty silent and closed off when it comes to sharing much with anyone besides my husband and a few close friends. When I emailed my blog link to my mom, I told her I hoped she wouldn't be offended by my words in my first post. She apologized for not being more sensitive and it's important for me to share with the blogging community that she didn't have any idea what I was going through with the fertility treatments. So, as insensitive as it might have been for her to tell me I didn't look the best, she thought I was sick and I didn't want to ruin her Christmas spirit by getting into the extreme disappointment and sadness I was experiencing at that moment.

I feel like a failure every time we don't get a positive pregnancy test [and there have been A LOT in our 2 1/2 years of TTC]. So, it's been difficult for me to be honest with my family about what this process has involved- both emotionally and physically. In an attempt to spare myself more heartache by rehashing everything to my mom, I have alienated myself which has made our relationship suffer a bit. I've spent a lot of time reflecting lately, and although no one outside of this elite club truly understands, my mom is the last person I should have pushed away. So... thank you, Mom. Thank you for being patient and giving me time. I love you :)

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