Wednesday, June 26, 2013

summer vacation… a time for reflection


Although I love being a teacher, I have to be honest… I LIVE for my summers. They are filled with my favorite things like cooking and expanding the foodie in me, crossing things off my extensive to-do list [that never gets done during the school year], laying by the pool, spending time with family and friends, reading for PLEASURE, and sleeping in!

This summer was more anticipated than any other summer though… I needed a mental break, or a vacation from reality, whatever you want to call it. To say the past year has been an emotional roller coaster is a serious understatement…

It’s challenging to put into words how our infertility journey has affected me. After our 3rd unsuccessful attempt in December, we went home to NY for Christmas. It’s difficult to be in the cheery, Christmas spirit after you hear the words “you aren’t pregnant”. Needless to say, the last thing I wanted to do was travel in the car for 25 straight hours and pretend that I hadn’t just received bad news, again. When my mother told me I looked terrible (thanks, Mom), I wanted to scream. Really? Don't you think I know I look as awful as I feel? Well you would, to0, if you had just spent the past 6 weeks pumping your body full of hormones and shots, making an obscene amount of trips to the doctor’s office for blood-work and ultrasounds, had your eggs removed from your lady parts, had an embryo planted back in there, and then waited for an excruciatingly long 14 days to find out that nope, it wasn’t worth it this time around.

That was when it hit me that this process had changed me in ways I’m not proud to admit. I took a trip on the optimistic train for a quite awhile, but now I had officially become Negative Nelly.

This has definitely tested our marriage, but I’m happy to say that I have the most patient man by my side who continues to be supportive and loving. Although I sometimes have more bad days than good, I have continued to push through the disappointment… and I know it’s not how some think I should be dealing with it all, but it’s the best way I know how and I’m making no apologies. You cannot judge until you’ve walked a few miles in my shoes (or anyone else who struggles with infertility). Period. I’ve accepted the fact that this isn’t pretty and I’m not going to sugarcoat it. I have found the true meaning of friendship along the way, and I’m thankful for the amazingly wonderful people in my life who without question, are always there no matter what. That’s what friendship is about- no questions, just love, support, and a shoulder to cry on when holding your head up is just too much.

With all that said, I’m using this blog as a means to chronicle the good, the bad, everything in between (whatever it may be), and where my heart is :)

Happy reading!
Sarah

3 comments:

  1. Yay for starting a blog!! And boo for infertility. But the former definitely makes the latter more bearable. And umm....WOW, Mom, really?? Did your mom not know that yall were doing IVF? Because that'd be enough to make me turn back around and drive 25 hours back the other direction! Yikes!!

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    1. I know! I'm excited! Big thumbs down for infertility, but yes, blogging helps :)
      In my mother's defense, she wasn't really in the loop and had no idea what I was going through... up until recently, a very few select people knew what was going on. I've learned that holding it all in only makes the process tougher!

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  2. So glad you joined the blogging community!!

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