Thursday, June 27, 2013

biopsy results and continuing to de-stress

Oh the dreaded biopsy... not exactly how I wanted to spend the first Monday of my summer vacation. After a long discussion about our options with my doctor, he needed to rule some things out if we wanted to go through with another FET (frozen embryo transfer), and considering that we only have 2 embryos left (boo for that), I agreed to have an endometrial biopsy. Thankfully, I have a wonderful support system and my good friend, Laura, dropped everything and went with me. A biopsy is a biopsy and they aren't fun, so we'll leave it at that :)

To my complete and utter shock, the results were good and I was clear of any abnormalities. THANK YOU LORD! All baseline blood-work earlier this week revealed that my hormone levels are where they needed to be, so here we go again... pray that all of my de-stressing efforts will work their magic this time around and my abnormally small uterus will get the memo that this NEEDS to work... 

On a positive note, I started yoga on Monday! I have terrible commitment issues when it comes to exercising, so yoga seemed like the most logical option. My focus for the past few months has been on eliminating as much stress from my life as possible. I started with acupuncture (which I really love) and now that I have a [substantial] amount of free time, yoga was next on my list. So far, it seems to be a good fit. I invested in a more expensive yoga mat to make myself feel guilty if I don't stick with it. Great tactic, don't you think? ;)

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

summer vacation… a time for reflection

Although I love being a teacher, I have to be honest… I LIVE for my summers. They are filled with my favorite things like cooking and expanding the foodie in me, crossing things off my extensive to-do list [that never gets done during the school year], laying by the pool, spending time with family and friends, reading for PLEASURE, and sleeping in!

This summer was more anticipated than any other summer though… I needed a mental break, or a vacation from reality, whatever you want to call it. To say the past year has been an emotional roller coaster is a serious understatement…

It’s challenging to put into words how our infertility journey has affected me. After our 3rd unsuccessful attempt in December, we went home to NY for Christmas. It’s difficult to be in the cheery, Christmas spirit after you hear the words “you aren’t pregnant”. Needless to say, the last thing I wanted to do was travel in the car for 25 straight hours and pretend that I hadn’t just received bad news, again. When my mother told me I looked terrible (thanks, Mom), I wanted to scream. Really? Don't you think I know I look as awful as I feel? Well you would, to0, if you had just spent the past 6 weeks pumping your body full of hormones and shots, making an obscene amount of trips to the doctor’s office for blood-work and ultrasounds, had your eggs removed from your lady parts, had an embryo planted back in there, and then waited for an excruciatingly long 14 days to find out that nope, it wasn’t worth it this time around.

That was when it hit me that this process had changed me in ways I’m not proud to admit. I took a trip on the optimistic train for a quite awhile, but now I had officially become Negative Nelly.

This has definitely tested our marriage, but I’m happy to say that I have the most patient man by my side who continues to be supportive and loving. Although I sometimes have more bad days than good, I have continued to push through the disappointment… and I know it’s not how some think I should be dealing with it all, but it’s the best way I know how and I’m making no apologies. You cannot judge until you’ve walked a few miles in my shoes (or anyone else who struggles with infertility). Period. I’ve accepted the fact that this isn’t pretty and I’m not going to sugarcoat it. I have found the true meaning of friendship along the way, and I’m thankful for the amazingly wonderful people in my life who without question, are always there no matter what. That’s what friendship is about- no questions, just love, support, and a shoulder to cry on when holding your head up is just too much.

With all that said, I’m using this blog as a means to chronicle the good, the bad, everything in between (whatever it may be), and where my heart is :)

Happy reading!